Friday, September 9, 2011

What I hear when I listen to the news

What all newscasters sound like to me
these days.
I like to be well informed, and I often listen to the news for a good portion of the day. But lately I just can't stomach it. It's so depressing and negative! I still want to be well informed but I've become a lot more picky about the news stories I'll listen to. I can't listen to all of it because this is what it's begun to sound like to me these days:

Thinking about going to the mall this weekend or a sporting event? DON'T! Because terrorists are targeting that very place you're going to go! Stay home! In fact, crawl under your bed and stay there all the time! From now on! I can't emphasize this enough: you're not safe anywhere.

Remember unemployment? From when we were talking about it five minutes ago? Well guess what? It's WORSE! Worse than it was five minutes ago!

That tomato you're eating might be bad for you. Also, you didn't wash it long enough. And you cut it wrong.

Thinking about retiring? You'll never be able to! The American dream is over! Mwahahahahaha!

When planning for a vacation there are several things you should remember:
1. Make sure you write a will before you leave!
2. Gas is really expensive! So don't go on a vacation!
3. If you do go on your vacation anyway, you'll be sorry! Because that place you're staying at has bedbugs! Also, terrorists.

Whoever the other guy is, who's running for president in 2012? The one you don't like? He's going to do all the opposite things that you want him to do! All of them.

I need a news vacation. Or I need to find a more upbeat news source. So far I'm considering The Onion, Weekend Update on SNL, and/or paying a friend to tell me the highlights at the end of the week. I'd be willing to give pay bonuses for creative made up stories.


T. Taylor Joo said...

I get my news from Colbert Report (and ...Drudge).

Heather said...

I'm gonna give ya an amen, hermana amiga. I've given up on the news. I will live in ignorant bliss, until someone does something I don't approve of, then I guess i'll complain alot...but until then, wee hoo, bliss. I've been stocking up on food and medical supplies and seasons of friends(for entertainment), West Wing (so I can rebuild the government) and Gilmore Girls, (because I wish I lived with them in Stars Hollow and they make me happy) for when all this terrorism and mayhem happens.

Angi said...

I quit watching the news for this very reason! I just read stuff on the internet to keep informed, that way I can just click on the headlines that I actually want to know more about. Too much sensationalism over the negativity!

k nelle said...

bedbugs. oh, and terrorists. ;)

thanks for reminding me why I don't listen to the news. (oops, did i just admit to that!)

Heather said...

That last part is a great idea!! What if I started a blog where we could all write in more reasonable or positive takes on the news??

I quit listening to news long ago because it was so sad. dad says news shows are subject to ratings so viewers can believe very little of what they say. Of course..he is nuts.

Limequat said...

Don't forget that the weather is also going to kill us all, and you are simultaneously too old and too young. Also contradictions are bad for your health.

Sara said...

I swear I get breaking news from things friends share on Facebook. And public radio. A little Daily Show. That's about it. Watched a little news this week after the speech and it was horrible. Waste of time.

Savd said...

I'm with Sara...Daily Show, Facebook (crazy, but true!), and NPR. And I like Heather's idea of a positive news blog...there are definitely news worthy things happening ALL OVER THE WORLD, but for some reason, the only issues that the popular media covers are negative stories. :(

Christi said...

This is so funny! It's exactly how I feel.
"Remember unemployment? Even if you have a job, you probably won't in a year, so try to start panicking now."

It's so depressing out there!

Katherine said...

In today's top stories:

Due to flash flooding, a child in a yellow and black shirt was stranded in a pumpkin patch yesterday evening. The child's pet beagle saved the day when it flew its red doghouse through a Dark and Stormy Night to rescue him.

The top story in sports today is a surprising turn of events in a children's baseball game. In the top of the 9th inning, young Scotty Smalls hit a high fly ball to left center, where it pummeled teammate Michael "Squints" Palledorous in the head, knocking off and shattering his glasses, and causing them to lose the game. Witnesses state that a bereft Hamilton "Ham" Porter was heard to mutter as he left the field, "You're killing me, Smalls."

In other news, friends of couple "Marshmallow" and "Lillypad" held an intervention requesting that their friends come up with new, less annoying nicknames. While replacements such as "Marsh Hawk" and "Lilly-livered" were thrown around, no settlement is expected until next Friday.