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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Love Story

My grandma is going to be 90 years old in January. She recently told my mom that she feels like her body is starting to shut down in her advancing age. She also said that she hopes to live long enough to see me, her oldest granddaughter, get married (no pressure).

This is definitely not the first time I've heard this from her. I really don't mind when she says it because I know she means it in a sweet way - she cares about me and wants me to be happy.

As I was thinking about what she said, I realized that this situation would make a good movie. Well, it would make a good made-for-t.v. movie at least. But depending on what channel it was on, the story could be interpreted very differently.

For example, if it were on the Lifetime channel, it would have a name like, "A Grandmother's Wish." This movie would involve me meeting a handsome gardener or childhood friend while staying at my grandma's house to care for her. It would definitely end with the gardener/childhood friend and I getting married, but since it's a Lifetime movie, it would also end with my grandmother's death. I can't have that. Let's explore some other options.

ABC Family: In this movie, I would hire someone to play my fiance to appease my grandma. There would be all sorts of minor conflicts, such as a snoopy sibling discovering that the guy I hired isn't really my fiance and almost ruining everything. There would also be a moment where I'd wonder if I was doing the right thing, toying with everyones emotions. This moment would come when I see my "fiance" laughing and bonding with my family, then making meaningful eye contact with me. This movie would end well, with us actually falling in love in getting married. Oh, and it would be starring either James Franco or Ryan Reynolds as the fiance. I would play myself, and my grandma would probably be played by Betty White. (The more I read this synopsis, the more I think I've already seen this movie in several different forms.)

Disney channel: Because I'm ancient in Disney years, in this movie I would be marrying for a second time, after having my heart broken by my first husband and becoming fiercely independent. Selena Gomez, Disney's sweetheart, would probably have to be in the movie, and sadly, they'd probably cast her as my daughter. She and my grandma, who would be played by Julie Andrews, would scheme to help me find love. They'd succeed. Dangit, I just realized that because it's the Disney channel, my love interest would probably be Billy Ray Cyrus. Oh well.

Clearly the best option is the Family channel version. Well, the best option would probably be actually getting married, but until then I'll see what I can do about getting this movie made. First matter of business: does anyone have Ryan Reynolds' phone number? I just want to know if he's available. For the movie, that is.

17 comments:

Mike said...

I was a little disappointed when I got to the end of this post. As soon as I saw what you were doing, I got excited to read the sci-fi channel movie synopsis. It never came. It left me with a feeling of incompleteness. Where was the story where your fiance turned out to be an alien determined to destroy the world? Then, shortly after finding that out, you'd learn that your grandma was really an alien stationed on earth to stop him (but she ended up falling in love with a human and having a family). After struggling to come come to grips with the fact that you are part alien, you would learn to accept yourself and stop your ex-fiance, with the help of a handsome alien partner, who you would end up marrying. There. Now the post seems complete.

Dallan said...

One of your funniest posts yet. I love your obsession with Lifetime. Your synopsis of how your story would play out on that channel is spot on, though I'm not sure the title "A Grandma's Wish" is gripping enough.

opticwalrus said...

This is one of the best posts I have read by anyone in a long time. But you forgot about titles for the movies on the other channels. The ABC Family one might be called "Can't Hire Love." As for the Disney movie, sorry dear, but they would never make a movie centered around your character. It would be a subplot in a movie where Selena Gomez leads her last-place soccer team all the way to the tri-county finals. It would be called "Playing for Keeps" or "Heart of a Champion" or something.

As for Mike's idea - how does "Invasion of Love" sound?

P.S. - At my last sister's wedding my Grandpa came up to me and said, "You're next." That was 7 years ago. I'm their only unmarried grandchild except for my 19-yr old cousin and her wedding will probably happen before mine.

Marilyn said...

Actually, the Lifetime movie sounds more like a Hallmark Channel movie. The Lifetime movie would have to end with your new husband turning out to be after your money and he would be plotting to kill you. You would discover this just in time and after a disgusting struggle, you'd end up shooting him with his own gun.

Angie Cheney said...

Loved reading this post and comments. :) Love you Elizabeth!

Mark Bowman said...

I'm looking forward to the Univision series where you have not one, but three suitors. They are all rich and powerful and very handsome. Each episode, your wise grandmother selects one and forces you to marry him. Secretly, though, you are falling in love with the delivery boy who brings her grocery. He is also very handsome, but is too poor to own buttons for his shirt, which always hangs open. You would get to wear lots of wedding dresses and be regularly rescued (by the delivery boy) from exotic honeymoon locales. At least that's what I think is going on with that station.

Just hope your story doesn't end up on the History channel.

The Leo said...

Please, any channel that hosts a series call Snapped about women who kill their husbands would never produce a storyline so benign. Lifetime (a.k.a man-hater channel) would have to include a suspicious man who you eventually married, but who violently abused you and tried to poison you but you threw the poison back in his face and blinded him inducing a knock-down, drag-out fight between you two until you finally stabbed him through the heart with a broken piece of porcelain from your grandmother's china. And then your grandma didn't want you to get married anymore. That's more like the Lifetime I know!

David and Linda said...

Ryan's phone number is Beachwood 45789. You can call him up and make a date any old time. Who is going to play me? I vote for Mary Louise Parker. Younger than me, but pretty!

Katherine said...

First of all, I have to chide you for make me look like a complete fool in the Grand Rapids Public Library!! I'm sitting here laughing my head off internally, and I'm sure I look like I'm crying or having an aneurism or something. People are giving me looks of concern or disgust, or a mix of both.

Secondly, this is one of your finest posts yet! I love that Betty White would play G-Ma. Perfect! And each synopsis is so spot-on (including the additions by commenters), but my favorite is the ABC Family one. I'm rooting for that to happen! (Though if your fiance is Ryan Reynolds and he happens to be unable to afford buttons for his shirt so that it's always hanging open, I'm really OK with that, too.) And the Emmy goes to...

Katherine said...

P.S. I love that quote from Harvey Kinkle! I know I've seen that episode, but can't remember what was happening to him exactly...

Natalie said...

Can I just say that I am so so happy that I happened upon your blog. I need this kind of comedic relief in my life. My sister and I were browsing through your archives last night, laughing our heads off. It was awesome. "screw magic shell!!" oh, man, we were dying...

Elizabeth Downie said...

These comments have been absolutely cracking me up! I love the plot and title ideas you all came up with. Seriously, hilarious. Thanks for the laughs!

Grant said...

Seriously, why aren't you writing and getting paid for it? I was laughing and remembering all those Lifetime and Hallmark channel movies I've seen over the years. I must admit, I hate those actors Ryan Reynolds and James Franco, way too good looking! I hate them! I hope your Grandma gets her wish.

MMMegan said...

I have nothing to say except HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAAA!!!!!

Sarah said...

Ok, you need a BBC version, similar to the Jane Austen movie we saw this past week. :) It begins with you listening to your confidante about not getting into a hasty relationship with some guy (Colin Firth, presumably) who has no references or fortune to recommend him. Eventually, that guy comes back into your life, and here the story will change a bit due to our current status quo of not marrying cousins...I'll keep working on it! :)

Heather said...

i just pulled a muscle in my side from laughing so hard..no joke. You'll be getting a doctors bill from me. Janet Kackson! That was the best ever. I'm going to print it a read it at you wedding reception....oohh..nooo..i'm going to have al of your friends and family act out each show/movie and play it at your reception....Your welcome.

Britt said...

Elizabeth you are amazingly funny!! Oh my goodness, I love it! Don't stop blogging!