Sunday, April 10, 2011

Bonus Feature: Why You're Not Married.

I know I said I wouldn't tell any of you why you're not married, but my friend Vaughn convinced me that he can handle it. He agreed to my non retaliation clause, so I decided I'd do it. Still, at first I was worried it might hurt his self esteem, so I mentioned that to him. This was his response:

"What self esteem?  Oh, the self esteem I have that could cover a half a dozen guys? Well if it is a severe blow I will only have enough for a FEW extra people....which is still sufficient for me....and a few other lacking guys. Plus it comes back each time I take a good look in the mirror."

I guess I didn't need to worry. A little background about Vaughn: He came to Michigan a few years ago to do an internship and we became friends. We live on opposite sides of the country now but remain good friends. In fact, his is the phone that forces me to hear my voice echoed back (grrrrr). Vaughn has many great qualities (just ask him to list some and he'd be happy to), but this isn't about those qualities. So without further ado, Vaughn, this is why you're not married.

1. You're a complete wild man who may not live to see 30 because of your risks. There were so, so, so many pictures I could have used to show this wild side, but I chose these six:

1. Acting like a wild man on a stationary bike.
2. With a gun.
3. Doing something crazy I don't understand but I know is crazy.
4. Motorycle.
5. Getting pulled over.
6. Driving 110 mph. 

2. You refuse to commit to even the smallest of things.

When Vaughn lived in Michigan, we often had conversations like this:

Me: Are you going to the thing Friday night?
Vaughn: I don't know yet. Maybe.
Me: Why maybe? Do you have something else going on?
Vaughn: No, so far I don't.
Me: What do you mean 'so far'? Are you going to make other plans?
Vaughn: No, but something might come up.
Me: So you're waiting to see if you get a better offer?
Vaughn: No, I just don't want to say 'yes' in case something comes up. Then you'll get mad if I cancel.
Me: What? I won't get mad! If something comes up just explain it to me and it'll be fine! Just commit to coming, and it's no big deal if you have to cancel.
Vaughn: I might go.

3. You will never love a woman as much as you love your motorcycle.

Romantic pictures of his motorcycle in scenic places.

I have heard Vaughn refer to his motorcycle as "she," as in "she has expensive taste." Should I mention that he has a separate credit card for her?

4. You rank Joe Dirt among your short list of role models.

I can't tell which is the real Joe Dirt.

5. You're a handful. It's as simple as that. You fill up my voicemail if I don't answer the phone, you spam my facebook with 99 notifications in one night just to be obnoxious, you push my buttons to make me mad, you think it's fun to have an enemy, and most importantly, your heart isn't sure which to love more: guns or motorcycles.

And that, my friend, is why you're not married. Or at least, part of the story.


The Boob Nazi said...

Take me on next? haha

Katherine said...

Oh, Vaughn! Seriously, these are legit reasons. Those romantic pictures of his motorcycle are hilarious! While my brief ride with Vaughn on said motorcycle was fun, I did get the feeling like I was the third wheel... It's going to take quite a powerful woman to distract Vaughn from his first two loves!!

Savd said...

Excellent profile piece! :) Very to the point with anecdotal evidence...well done! :)

Maxabillion J said...

I don't think you'll even have to write a separate one for me. Just change a few words here and there and I think you could apply the exact same writeup to me. Nicely done Liz-beth.

Heather said...

I loved this post. I laughed so loud at the part where vaugh said he just had to look in the mirror, that my neighbors all looked at me weird.

Ashley said...

Funny post! C'mon, Vaughn! (that rhymes).

violet50 said...

It's almost like he's a caricature of himself. How deeply in his psyche is the real Vaughn buried? The caricature is fun, though.

Heather said...

He sounds wonderful. I think you should marry him!

Super Zero said...

sounds to me like you have a big crush on him. you made him sound kinda like a superhero. i think you just wish you were his damsel in distress.

Stephanie Curtis said...

Amazing.....I want to be next (sadly I don't think it will not be as easy as Jesse's post). Same rules: I will not tell you why you are not married even if I know (which I don't, that is why I am coming to a source more knowledgeable than myself). No hatred for you will stem from this (maybe some toward others for not being able to see past these reasons jk). Also I have three bags of cadbury mini eggs so I will be able to survive anything. And I think I am fixing one big problem soon by buying a really big tv.

Elizabeth Downie said...

haha, Abe, I hope he doesn't read that. It'll just give him a bigger head than he already has. I don't think of him as a superhero, but I think he might think of himself as one.

I don't want to be anybody's damsel in distress.

Maxabillion J said...

And that's why you're not married ;)

Please don't kill me, it was a joke.

emacd663 said...

Motorcycles, Guns, Better offers!My kind of guy.

Vaughn said...

I died when i saw one of these pictures..... Liz somehow actually picked my desktop backgrounds on my computer as an example of how in love i am. She called it... I am speechless.

Secondly, I never said "i might go" I gave you a DEFINITE was just a "definite maybe"

She left out the the real number one, the fact that my motorcycle has her own facebook page.... not to mention that everything I own has been modified to accommodate my baby girl.

Kawasaki said...

This is completely ridiculous.... I am his mistress, always have been, and will long as he pays my credit card bills, and doesn't get old and flabby on me...i cant handle the weight of that...

the mistress motorcycle.

karajean said...

Yes! Funniest post I've read in a long time. Good for him for being a good sport. AND for you for being brave/witty enough to post it :)

Liz said...

He sounds great. Why don't you have him call me.