USA-1000

As you know, I often try to post something funny on Friday and today I have to talk about the world beard competition. Did you guys hear about this? It was held earlier this week. Here are the three winners, in order (first place on top, third on the bottom)


Who's beard do you like the best? I like the guy who won, and I must say, even with that bizarro beard, he's not too bad looking. Am I right?

Ok, I have one more thing to share with you and I'm not sure how comfortable I am sharing this. It's an old commercial from the 70's that Chris sent to me. You will not be able to get the song out of your head for days. And I guarantee you'll even say "nobody bothers me, either!" and wink after you sing it. You'll see what I mean. I told Chris I was reluctant to share it because it's impossible to get out of your head, but he said that if I don't inflict it on as many people as possible, it will haunt me forever. So without further ado...

Wednesday Thoughts

My thoughts are too serious lately to fit well into the usual format for Wednesday Thoughts. I think I need to lighten things up a bit by coming up with a Lifetime movie title for my life today. If you're unfamiliar with Lifetime movies, you should know that they all have very over-dramatic titles. A friend (who I won't name) watched part of one last night called "Mother, May I Sleep With Danger." Here are some other good examples:

When Secrets Kill
Family Sins
Hush Little Baby (you have to click on this one and read the summary.)

When I first started at my job, Justin and Ann and I used to come up with Lifetime movie titles for anything dramatic or semi-dramatic that happened around the office. For example, when our office dog nipped at a co-worker, the title we came up with was "Bitten, but not broken." When another co-worker couldn't stop coughing, the title for her story was "Caught in the Cough Fire." When the second floor was being painted and smelled awful, the title was "The Stairway of Deadly Pathogens."

I think some good options for my day today are:

Botox Blues
Raining on my dreams (dreams of being outside)
Humbled by Humidity (my hair is being ruined by humidity)

I actually don't have botox blues. I just noticed in some pictures of myself that my eyes are looking either old or tired and for a fleeting moment wondered how much of a risk I'd be willing to take with botox. Stop judging me. I can feel it through my computer. Which reminds me of another Lifetime Movie title:

Judged by her Peers, or maybe
Toxic Botox

Who would star me in the movie? Probably Kate Gosselin, since we have the same hair (the reverse mullet). Who would play you, you ask? Well, I'm thinking either Angelina Jolie or Danny DeVito.

Happy Wednesday! May your day be filled with Lifetime Movie moments.

Back To Reality

This weekend I lived the Pure Michigan commercials. It was kind of inconvenient to have Tim Allen narrating my every move, but I got used to it.

Here's what I did this weekend:

*went to the DIA with friends
*looked out over Detroit from the rooftop lounge of my friend Christi's apartment building
*went up to northern Michigan
*took 3 naps in one day
* went on an evening boat ride
* hiked high up in the woods (the stair trails)
* put my toes in the freezing waters of Lake Michigan
* walked out to the Ludington lighthouse
* bonded with my nieces and nephews
* read
* made smores
* celebrated my heritage
* ate a meat pie
* ate two ice cream cones (yeah, the diet was a bit of a bust this weekend)
* watched two sunsets on the lake

Now I'm back...and not sure I'm ready face reality!

But instead of ending on that negative note, here are some funny quotes from Ethan, my three year old nephew. On Saturday, we all went up to a town called Alma, where there is a Scottish festival every year. For some reason, Ethan thought Alma was a person, not a place. We could not convince him otherwise.

Me: Ethan, did you like Alma?
Ethan: No. (pause) I loved her.

Me: Alma isn't a person, it's a whole town.
Ethan: Alma's a hotel!?

Wednesday Thoughts

Summer is coming...and I can't wait. This weekend I'm kicking off the unofficial start to summer by going up to Lake Michigan! I love going up north in the summer. My favorite smell is the combination of sunscreen and pine needles: the smell of summer in my experience. That must be why those dang "Pure Michigan" commercials make me cry. Ok, not cry but get a lump in my throat... Do they have that same effect on you? It's ok to admit it. I'm going to put a poll up. Don't be ashamed. I mean, if you say "no" I'm going to know you're lying, but it's cool (Justin).

Anyway, in other Wednesday Thoughts, I brought some home made cookies to work today and apparently they are magic. One man who ate one serenaded me. The song was about not giving into temptation but it was still nice to be sung to.

I haven't talked about Justin and Kathy in awhile and although I think they're glad to be out of the spotlight, I thought I'd give a couple quick updates. Justin could not be happier about the return of the Volcano Taco at Taco Bell. How a guy as slim as Justin manages to eat his weight in Volcano Tacos every day, I'll never know.

Kathy was inspired by the last couple episodes of 30 Rock and keeps telling me, "that's a deal breaker" whenever I complain about a guy. It's cracking me up. And keeping me single. Hmm....

That's all for today. Happy Wednesday.

Oh, and in case you didn't see it, here's a clip from 30 Rock: (only the first minute)

If you need a laugh this morning...

Either I'm slap happy, or this is hilarious. It could go either way - I make no guarantees.

Love doctor

Lately I've had to face a very harsh reality: I think I might be a bad first date. I figured this out mathematically based on my ratio of first dates to second dates. It's not good. I don't know what goes wrong on that first date. I mean, I'm not such a bad person. I've somehow convinced most of you to like me, right? (The rest of you are reading my blog searching for further evidence as to why you hate me I'm assuming?)

I think I understand the basic rules of first dates, namely:

1) Be well groomed and non-smelly
2) Be nice and try not to fight too much
3) When watching a movie, only talk to clarify the plot (ie "Who's that guy?" "Wait, what did she just say?" "I don't understand what's happening." and "What did I miss when I was in the bathroom?")
4) Be no more than 30 minutes late for the date
5) If he tries to kiss you, slap him

Everyone knows those rules, right? It's Dating 101. Yet, those rules don't seem to be doing the trick for me. To be honest, I think I over think the whole thing. Ok, that's enough honesty for the blog.

So here's what I'm thinking: remember back in November when I talked about practice dates? It's time to start it. There's no time to waste. I still think it would be a great to have the "date" fill out a questionnaire at the end of the night. But what questions should I ask? Here are some I've thought of so far:

1) Did I seem like I liked you?
2) Did you like me?
3) Would you want to ask me on a real date?
4) If not, why?
5) I'm too good for you anyway!
6) Who do you think you are?!
7) Scram! Get outta here!

Whoa, that questionnaire took a bad turn. I guess I'm a little sensitive. Maybe you guys could help me? I have two questions: 1) Do you have any tips for a first date, and 2) What are some good questionnaire questions?*

Or you could give me real advice - how do you prep yourself for a first date? I could honestly use some advice. The only real feedback I can remember getting is when a friend told me that a guy I'd gone out with said I was "uptight" on our date. This really didn't surprise me too much because I had not wanted to go out with him in a first place and he was a bit of a jerk the whole time. I'd go into more detail (it's actually pretty funny) but I am pretty sure he occasionally reads my blog so it might be best to keep it vague! Bummer.

*I'm not actually going to do the whole practice date thing, I just find the idea amusing.

Blog poll

So, I've been thinking about what I want to write more about on my blog and I thought I'd ask you! What do you like reading about on blogs? I mean, ultimately I'll probably just do what I want anyway (isn't that what most people do when they ask for advice?), but I'd still like to put it out there for discussion. Here are some topics:

1) Dating
2) More on self esteem (this is coming whether you like it or not)
3) Serious stuff (aka: personal/opinions)
4) Funny stuff/links/stories

Requests?

In other news, I have been woken up two mornings in a row now by the street sweeper and it is getting very old! Whenever I hear it (at the crack of dawn) I picture this street sweeper from the fail blog and it kind of makes me laugh through my irritation:


see more pwn and owned pictures

Lost predictions

I've been reprimanded for being too serious in my blog this week and a request has been made that I make my predictions for the LOST season finale tonight. Spoiler alert: if you're behind on your Lost viewing (shame shame), don't read this.

Predictions:
*All the original gang get back together and fight the Dharma Initiative, with the help of some unexpected allies.
*Sawyer, Juliet, and Kate show up and surprise them when they need their help the most.
*Hurley will say something funny but helpful at a pivotal point.
*Sayid will shoot... let's say 5 people. No wait, 3. And he'll make a second attempt to kill Ben.
*Dr. Chang will play an important role in saving the island. He and Miles will bond and Hurley will sing "Cats in the Cradle." Miles might die after he and his dad finally bond. You know, LOST style.
*A ghost from the past will make an appearance (Charlie? Keamy? I know, wishful thinking.)
*Rose and Bernard will join the gang and show their worth (we know they were flashing through time with Sawyer and the others initially- where did they go!? I predict when Sawyer and everyone goes to the beach, they'll find them there.)
*The Smoke Monster will show up and judge someone.
*Richard and Ben will join forces against John and co. Richard will teach Ben how to properly apply guy liner.
*There is no Jacob. No wait, the Smoke Monster is Jacob. No....Christian is Jacob. Ok, I have no idea who Jacob is.

Any other predictions?

Wednesday Thoughts

I'm going to preempt the usual Wednesday Thoughts today and share with you a video that goes along with yesterday's post. It's a video made by Dove about how women get hit from a young age with media images telling us we're not _______ enough.

Although, one thing I learned from yesterday's post was that men are also very likely to suffer similar self esteem issues as women but just don't talk about it as much. Thanks for your comments and e-mails. It's been really interesting to hear what your experiences are with this subject!

The self esteem question

Why don't any of my female friends feel good about themselves? Why are we all so hard on ourselves? It really bums me out. Last summer, I was sitting with a group of women at lunch and the subject turned to "what I hate about my body" (not too uncommon when talking with women, in my experience). As the conversation went on, I was shocked at what I heard. Friends who I had thought looked beautiful suddenly informed me that I was wrong - hadn't I noticed their huge butt? Or big belly? Or big nose? Or frizzy hair? Or acne? Or height? The list went on and I became increasingly depressed. If these beautiful women hated their bodies, how could I ever love mine?

My own self esteem is awful at best so I could relate to what they were saying. But I also thought they were wrong - the things that they hated about themselves were not as awful as they thought - in fact, in my opinion, they weren't a problem at all, and in some cases seemed to be completely in their heads. And yet, these women were so hung up on these issues that they felt incredibly insecure about their appearances.

How does this happen? Why aren't we allowed to feel good about ourselves? Over the weekend, I told my four year old niece that she looked very pretty. As she smiled and twirled in response, I thought to myself, "Am I making her think that her looks are the most important thing? Should I have complimented her instead on her behavior or intelligence? By complimenting her beauty am I contributing to a poor self image later in life when she decides she's not as pretty as other girls? Is she going to think that her looks are the most important thing about her?"

I went on a diet a few months ago and lost some weight. Yesterday I was on a bike ride with my good friend Sarah and told her about a weight loss milestone I'd recently met. She applauded my success but told me that she'd thought I'd looked fine before. I shrugged off her praise and told her I'd still like to lose ten pounds. Her response: "What!? Don't! You should love your curves! You look great!" Somehow her words broke into a crack in my self doubt and I wondered, "Should I love my curves? But...I thought I thought I was supposed to try to be as skinny as humanly possible? Could anyone think I look good as I am right now - curves and all?" She continued to tell me about an article she'd read recently about how women need to stop being so hard on themselves. (Here's a link.) I want to believe her. I want to, but I'm not sure I can take the leap.

Are we even really allowed to feel good about ourselves? Many mistake positive self esteem for vanity - I don't. But I still don't know how a positive self image is sustainable long term. What about when the wrinkles come? Or the stretch marks? Or a bad haircut? Clearly a positive self image must be based on more than physical perfection.

Recently I asked my mom, "How does one get positive self esteem?" She suggested positive self talk along the lines of that old SNL sketch, "I'm good enough. I'm smart enough, and doggonit, people like me." I pose that question to you too: how does one get positive self esteem? Do you know someone who has it? Do you have it? What's the secret? Is it possible? Please tell me it's possible.

Quotes from this weekend

This weekend was a family weekend. On Friday night, we all got together at Chuck E Cheese (the "kid casino" as one friend calls it) for my nephew Ethan's 3rd birthday. On Saturday, we all got together again to have a family book release party for my brother Sean's book. Then on Sunday, we reconvened for Mother's Day. Here are some funny moments from the weekend.

Me to my 4 yr old niece, Paige: "What do you think of my dress?"
Paige: "It's very pretty. But you need some glass slippers."

My grandma to me: "When I have my surgery you have to come visit me to meet this doctor. I'm going to ask him if he's married. And wear that dress."

My 10 yr. old nephew James: "After dinner today, I want to put on a comedy show for everyone."

Later that day at his comedy show: "The kids are going to have to cover their ears for this last one. When you're out of the bathroom, you're American, but when you're in the bathroom what are you? European. Get it?"

My three year old nephew Ethan, after pulling up my pant leg and zerberting my ankle: "Dinosaur kisses!!"

Ethan: "I'm a friendly snake" (while chasing me and hissing).

Ethan, introducing his dad to everyone: "That's my dad. He's my brother."

Wednesday Thoughts

I have no thoughts this morning. Ok, that's not true. I have no thoughts I care to make public this morning.

Well, maybe a couple. (Of course.)

Here's one: is Jon from Jon and Kate Plus 8 really cheating on his wife? I heard a dj talking about it on the radio this morning and she was blaming Jon's possible infidelity on Kate's hair cut and "shrill" personality. Really? Does that make it ok to cheat?

Which leads me to this question: would you ever be on a reality show? What would your reality show focus on? Mine would be canceled after one episode, I guarantee it. The producers would be constantly begging me to do something interesting until eventually they just gave up on me.

Here's another question: are you in a fight with someone and they don't know it? I've been on both sides of this recently and it's kind of amusing.

Here's my last thought: summer is coming - I could feel it in the air this morning. And I can't wait.

We now interrupt our coverage of the swine flu...

I need your help! Sarah and I need good work out music suggestions. You know, songs that make you want to keep running even when your muscles are killing you and you actually want to quit.

To get things started, here are some of my current favorite work out songs. I am in no way claiming that these songs are "cool." In fact, I'm well aware that I shouldn't be putting some of these out there and that some are downright embarrassing.

Spoonman - Soundgarden
E-Pro - Beck
White Wedding - Billy Idol
Solo en ti - Enrique Iglesias
GNO - Miley Cyrus (yeah, one for the "why am I admitting this" category. But it has a good beat!)
Kashmir or Black Dog - Led Zeppelin
Like a Prayer - Madonna
Disturbia - Rihanna

If you have any you'd be willing to share, that would be great! Oh, and we're open to pretty much all genres, except maybe Chocolate Rain (Justin).

Update

I vowed not to write anything more about the swine flu, I really did. But people have been asking me if I'm going to update the map I made the other day. And once I realized people were counting on me, I just couldn't let them down. I mean, this is the swine flu we're talking about. If the media has taught us anything this week, it's that we should never stop thinking about the possibility - nay, probability- of a total N1H1 flu pandemic. I'm just here to fuel the fire.

The first map contains information I gathered from several maps online. In some states, the cases have not yet been confirmed.

I feel the second map is more complete. And much easier to update. (Maybe the pig can say something new everyday?)

I hope you have found these maps thorough and informative. Good luck not getting the swine flu. I really do hope you don't get it.

Swine! Swine! Swine!

I don't know about you, but I have never seen, heard, or said the word "swine" as much in my whole life as I have this past week. In order to find out if I have it or not, I visited this very informative website my friend Sarah sent me: DoIhaveswineflu.org. I finally have answers now, and have planned accordingly. I must say, it's a relief just to know.

I am kind of getting sick of saying the word swine though (that's a lie). So I'm going to start calling the swine flu by it's proper name: the H1N1 Flu. I read that the government is forming an H1N1 "task force" and this is something I can really see myself being a part of. Once they see the informative, yet calming, map I made, I'm pretty sure they'll beg me to join. The main (only) reason I want to join is because I want a police-like badge that says "H1N1 Task Force" and has a pig picture on it. I want to bust into people's homes, flash my badge, and say something like, "We received an anonymous tip that someone here was sneezing and coughing - turn over your tissues for testing and no one has to get hurt."

Side note: the image with this post is something I saw on a CNN article this morning. Can you imagine the tan lines those people are going to get? (I know, I shouldn't joke. Starting now I'm going to take the H1N1 flu more seriously. I promise.)