Grandma

I haven't written about my grandma in awhile, but rest assured she's just as funny and feisty and ready to go to heaven (much to my chagrin) as ever. For years she's been predicting her impending death to the point where it's become a joke to her (and only her).

She doesn't mind the idea of death - in fact, she welcomes it. She has a strong belief in the after life and wants to see her husband and daughter (my aunt) again, along with her siblings and so many others who've already passed away. She likes life well enough, but her body aches and she's 91, which she says is just too long to stay alive. I constantly disagree with her about that, but she just laughs.

Here are a couple recent quotes from her that may make you laugh if you have a dark sense of humor. Don't feel bad if you do laugh - she'd want you to.

"I almost forgot about my doctor's appointment the other day. I made the appointment six months and ago and didn't write it down 'cause I figured I'd be dead by then."

Me, opening a medicine packet for her: When did you have the last dose? Has it been long enough?
Grandma, swallowing the pills with a laugh: Oh, the worst it could do is kill me.
Me: Grandma!

My only comfort is that she worries so much about the family, she won't pass on until all our problems (like me not being married) are solved. I expect to have many more years with her.

Wednesday Thoughts

I'm too tired today to have a lot of thoughts. Well, I guess I have thoughts but I'm just too tired to put them together in an interesting way. So instead of making you read a lot of incoherent babble, I'll share with you a phone conversation I just had with my grandma.

Grandma: Are you going up north this weekend?
Me: Yes, I'm looking forward to it!
Grandma (picturing me on vacation without a man): You need to find a boyfriend.
Me: I know.
Grandma: I guess you're not very aggressive?
Me: Probably not enough.
Grandma: I wasn't either. But you're just so pretty!
Me: Well, thanks!
Grandma: Don't thank me. I can't do anything for you.
Me: (laughing)
Grandma: Your hair just looks so good like that (curly). I'm glad you're wearing it that way more. It looks more professional the other way, but more feminine, curly.
Me: Thanks. Some people seem to like it.
Grandma: Told you so.
.....
Me, changing the subject: So, how are you doing? You sound good!
Grandma: Oh, fair to middlin'.

Happy Wednesday.

Put that in your blog!

I visited my grandma on Friday. She was in desperate need of some granddaughterly help - for one thing, she couldn't figure out how to use her new microwave (or how to open it), and on top of that, she couldn't open her jar of mayonnaise. Needless to say, I left feeling both brilliant and in the best shape of my life ("how did you open that!? I've been working on it all day!").

After amazing my grandma with my skillz, we sat and talked for awhile. She was thrilled that I was wearing my hair curly. She even clapped and cheered when she noticed it. She has a theory that men love curly hair. When she meets a woman (usually a nurse at the hospital) with curly hair, she tells them that her granddaughter has curly hair but that she straightens it. I think it's almost a sin to her. She said the only thing men like better than curly hair is red curly hair. Where she gets this information, I don't know.

Another bit of information she gave me is that she saw something on tv about how men prefer women who are a little curvy. After telling me that, she said, "Put that in your blog!"

I'm almost positive my grandma has never seen my blog before. And it's weird to hear her say the word "blog" like it's the most familiar thing to her. I mean, she's 90 years old and has never owned or used a computer. She knows my blog is something on the internet, and she knows I write in it. Other than that, I'm not sure how she pictures it. But apparently someone leaked it to her that I write about her sometimes. I think she likes it.

I briefly considered doing a post now and then with advice from my grandma about dating, called "Grandma Says." But I think I can summarize most of her tips right here:

Grandma says:

1. Unbutton that top button.

2. Wear your hair curly.

3. Bake brownies and cookies for the guy you're interested in.

4. Invite him over for dinner.

5. Have him spend time with your family.

6. Let him see how good you are with children.

7. If he's attractive and you'd have cute kids, stick with him.

8. Keep in shape so you look good in a wedding dress. (A few years ago, I put on a few pounds and she told me this. I don't make this stuff up!)

So there you have it. If it worked for her, it'll work for you. If you need me, I'll be over here wearing my hair curly and baking brownies.

One Track Mind

My grandma gave me the best birthday card tonight.

In case you can't read it, she wrote, "How about this one? On his way!" with a picture of a smiling man under it. I asked her who the man was and she said, "he was in the newspaper today." But she wasn't sure who he was. She was giggling when I read it and said said she knew it would make me laugh.

Later in the evening, she encouraged me to wear my hair curly then after presents she suggested we play a game of "guess what Elizabeth's husband's name will be." Then she told me to let her know what his name is when I meet him, even if she's "on the other side."

She wants me to be happy and I love her for it. But she also cracks me up with her one track mind.

Best birthday party ever.

A visit to Grandma's

Tonight Katherine and I visited our grandma. We had a nice, pleasant visit but I was disturbed at how openly my grandma talked about getting things in order so she can die. She was very casual about it, not giving talk of death the forboding tone I usually use when talking about my own future death (insert sad/scary music here).

Because I've told you about her before, and because she makes me laugh, I thought I'd share two short conversations I had with her tonight.

Me, after picking up a throw pillow that had fallen behind the couch, "Grandma, do you want this on the couch?"
Grandma: "No, it needs to be washed. When I die you can throw it away."
Me: "Grandma! Stop talking about dying!"
Grandma, laughing: "Oh heavens, I'm looking forward to it!"

later...

Me, saying goodbye: "I'll come by to see you later this week. Don't die. At least wait till I get married!"
Grandma: "I've been waiting and waiting and waiting! I can't live forever!"

Oh, Grandma.

Love Story

My grandma is going to be 90 years old in January. She recently told my mom that she feels like her body is starting to shut down in her advancing age. She also said that she hopes to live long enough to see me, her oldest granddaughter, get married (no pressure).

This is definitely not the first time I've heard this from her. I really don't mind when she says it because I know she means it in a sweet way - she cares about me and wants me to be happy.

As I was thinking about what she said, I realized that this situation would make a good movie. Well, it would make a good made-for-t.v. movie at least. But depending on what channel it was on, the story could be interpreted very differently.

For example, if it were on the Lifetime channel, it would have a name like, "A Grandmother's Wish." This movie would involve me meeting a handsome gardener or childhood friend while staying at my grandma's house to care for her. It would definitely end with the gardener/childhood friend and I getting married, but since it's a Lifetime movie, it would also end with my grandmother's death. I can't have that. Let's explore some other options.

ABC Family: In this movie, I would hire someone to play my fiance to appease my grandma. There would be all sorts of minor conflicts, such as a snoopy sibling discovering that the guy I hired isn't really my fiance and almost ruining everything. There would also be a moment where I'd wonder if I was doing the right thing, toying with everyones emotions. This moment would come when I see my "fiance" laughing and bonding with my family, then making meaningful eye contact with me. This movie would end well, with us actually falling in love in getting married. Oh, and it would be starring either James Franco or Ryan Reynolds as the fiance. I would play myself, and my grandma would probably be played by Betty White. (The more I read this synopsis, the more I think I've already seen this movie in several different forms.)

Disney channel: Because I'm ancient in Disney years, in this movie I would be marrying for a second time, after having my heart broken by my first husband and becoming fiercely independent. Selena Gomez, Disney's sweetheart, would probably have to be in the movie, and sadly, they'd probably cast her as my daughter. She and my grandma, who would be played by Julie Andrews, would scheme to help me find love. They'd succeed. Dangit, I just realized that because it's the Disney channel, my love interest would probably be Billy Ray Cyrus. Oh well.

Clearly the best option is the Family channel version. Well, the best option would probably be actually getting married, but until then I'll see what I can do about getting this movie made. First matter of business: does anyone have Ryan Reynolds' phone number? I just want to know if he's available. For the movie, that is.

Quotes from this weekend

This weekend was a family weekend. On Friday night, we all got together at Chuck E Cheese (the "kid casino" as one friend calls it) for my nephew Ethan's 3rd birthday. On Saturday, we all got together again to have a family book release party for my brother Sean's book. Then on Sunday, we reconvened for Mother's Day. Here are some funny moments from the weekend.

Me to my 4 yr old niece, Paige: "What do you think of my dress?"
Paige: "It's very pretty. But you need some glass slippers."

My grandma to me: "When I have my surgery you have to come visit me to meet this doctor. I'm going to ask him if he's married. And wear that dress."

My 10 yr. old nephew James: "After dinner today, I want to put on a comedy show for everyone."

Later that day at his comedy show: "The kids are going to have to cover their ears for this last one. When you're out of the bathroom, you're American, but when you're in the bathroom what are you? European. Get it?"

My three year old nephew Ethan, after pulling up my pant leg and zerberting my ankle: "Dinosaur kisses!!"

Ethan: "I'm a friendly snake" (while chasing me and hissing).

Ethan, introducing his dad to everyone: "That's my dad. He's my brother."

Weekend Update

I wish Seth Meyers was reading my weekend update, but then again, that would put a lot more pressure on this to be funny. So I guess it's better this way.

Since wearing a truly ugly sweater won hands down in the poll, I decided I'd trust you guys not to lead me astray and I got the ugliest sweater (cardigan) I could find at the Goodwill store. And guess what!? I won third place at the first party I went to Saturday night! So thanks guys. I knew I could count on you! I felt a tiny bit self conscious when I got to the cashier at Goodwill to pay for the sweater and almost muttered some explanation about how I was only buying such an ugly sweater for a party with that theme when the cashier said enthusiastically, "Oh! My mother-in-law donated this!" Close one.

Here's a story I think you guys will enjoy. Yesterday, I gave my grandma a ride home from a family function. I love my grandma so much - she's sweet and fun and feisty and she wants sooooo much for me to get married. So much in fact that it's not uncommon for her to cry when talking about it (no pressure, right?). Well, on the ride home, she was telling me that two of her sisters died around the age she is now (87), and how we can't live forever. I said, "Grandma, you can't die! You have to live at least long enough to see me get married and have my first baby!" To which she replied, "Well, I'm trying!" I'm not sure I like what she was implying. I laughed out loud when she said that. I spent the rest of the ride home convincing her that I'm doing the best I can. I still laugh when I think about it.

On a different (and less funny) note, we had our Christmas program at church today, and several of my blogging buddies participated in it. I just wanted to say thanks to them for their exceptional music and talks. It was a very moving and beautiful meeting. I love this time of year. It puts me in a mood of gratitude so in that spirit I wanted to let you all know that I appreciate you so much. I always consider one of my greatest blessings to be my friends. I have the best friends, and I love you all and hope that you know that!

Seth Meyers would have made that funny in some way but I'm not Seth Meyers and have to end on a cheeseball note. If you're uncomfortable (as I apparently am) with the sharing of feelings, here's a Seth Meyers clip. And we can pretend this never happened.