So, I did what any self-respecting Halloween lover would do. Staggered in the door around 9:00, exhausted from a long day, grabbed a month old pumpkin off the front porch, and went to work.
In case any of you are in the same position that I was a mere 1.5 hours ago, here are some steps you should follow for carving a pumpkin:
1. Decide on the design. Over-reach. I can't emphasize that enough. You know that crazy complicated design you saw on Buzzfeed? You totally have the skills to do that one!
2. Choose a pumpkin. That's it for step two. Choose a pumpkin.
3. Find a good knife. I, apparently, have none.
4. Start cutting off the top of the pumpkin. This is where you will start to realize that the year's gap between last year's pumpkin and this year's pumpkin has made you forget how thick and unyielding the skin of a pumpkin is.
5. Jerk the knife back and forth, creating a jagged top.
6. Remove top.
7. Smell the inside of the pumpkin. Really take it in. You forgot about that smell, didn't you? So did I. The smell of pumpkin guts. Mmmmmm... Really brings back the memories, doesn't it?
8. Remove insides. Feel the slime all the way up your arm. It's like birthing a baby cow (I imagine).
9. Scrape the sides a bit, then give up on a perfectly scraped inside.
10. Sketch out your design. Decide this is going to take way too long and that you can just wing it. You got this.
11. Start carving. Oops. The eye wasn't supposed to be there. The nose is too big. Crap, the ear is way too far away from the face. This looks nothing like Milhouse from the Simpsons, but that's ok, you can just turn it into a generic face. It's fine. No one will be the wiser. Crap, that part wasn't supposed to fall off. Does any one have some toothpicks to stick it back together? There, that's fine. Looks good...ish. Now there's something that resembles a face on your pumpkin.
12. Turn it around proudly to show your family or friends.
13. See that your sister's pumpkin looks like this:
|"Quothe the raven, Elizabeth sucks at pumpkin carving."|
15. Roast the seeds and eat them until you feel better about your pumpkin.