Sunday, February 14, 2010

The Ball

One thing that single people are very aware of is "the ball." And by that I mean we're constantly questioning who's court it's in. I'm sure we've all said at some point, "Well, I told him I like his tie so the ball is in his court!" (Ok, usually it's not that lame.)

But truly, this is a problem for single people and I think lots of times relationships end prematurely because both people think the other person has the ball in their court and when it's never acted on, both feel rejected and move on.

Here are some scenarios. If you have any insights as to who's court the ball is in, I'd love to hear them.

1) The guy says, "we should get together sometime" but then doesn't follow up with an actual date.

Is it the girl's responsibility to follow up on that? Or is he just suggesting it to see if she'll agree so he can ask her out at a later date?

2) The man asks a woman on a date, she accepts, they go out once.

Should she ask him out next? Or should she wait for him to ask her out again?

3) You're at that beginning phase of something with that special person - you're not really sure if they like you or not, but there's been flirting on both sides. You e-mail them and they don't e-mail you back.

Are they not into you? Personally, I've been guilty of forgetting to e-mail a person back even if I liked their e-mail and like them. But at the same time, it's easy to think, "I guess they don't like me anymore" when this happens. What do you do?

4) Your friend tells you that that guy/girl thinks you're really great. That guy/girl knows that you know that they said that (did you follow that?). You think they're pretty sweet too.

Do you take that as a cue to ask them out? Do they expect you to since they know you know that they know that you know?(Kidding, I was trying to confuse you that time.)

Ok, now that I've posed these questions, it's time for you to comment. Seriously. The ball is in your court.


Leo said...

i'm not really sure... when thrown a ball, i prefer to drop it and go to denny's. they have great ranch dressing... mmmm

Katherine said...

I have zero insight to give and am really hoping to gain from what others write! I am constantly confused by the stupid ball. Is it in their court, or mine, or did it pop and if so should it be fixed and by whom or should it remain out of play... I'm so exhausted and confused! Facebook just adds to the problem: What if he wrote "'sup" on my wall and I wrote, "Not much, you?" on his and he wrote, "Yeah, me either" on what?!?! Ooof. Help!

Melanie said...

Can I just say that I hate all the games... if you like someone, why do there have to be all these rules of who has the ball. Now please don't take my insight as anything real... I live in Provo and fail in the dating scene. But here is what I understand.

1) The first date = the guy's responsibility. If he's not getting the hint, make the date seem like his idea. ie - you have tickets to something and you say, do you want them, my roommate/friend can no longer go with me. Hopefully he says, well, we should go together.

2) The post-date text is key. Send a text saying you had a great time and you should go out again. ... the ball is in his court, and if he's interested for take 2, he should ask.

I have nothing for the other two. I hate how the guy has to always initiate, but then whenever I think about asking a guy out, I get that feeling and remember why I'm grateful that it's not on me.

But I say Mr. Anonymous needs to make his move... sheesh!

Robert said...

Your friends don't seem to be much help Elizabeth. lol. Katherine, your guy friend on Facebook should be "unfriended". Any guy who writes that response to "not much, you?" is not smart enough for you. Move on! You don't want the ball that is in his court! Or if the ball is in your court, you shouldn't throw it back to him, it'll probably hit him in the head.

Melanie does have a point, the first date is still the guy's responsibility. Glad she knows that guys need hints though. It sucks when a girl makes a guy feel like she is just going to wait on a guy to do everything. You gotta make a guy feel like you are willing to contribute something (i.e., a positive attitude, not money) to the date.

Melanie has a good point with the post-date text. That is key. It's so easy for girls to put the ball back in the guy's court with a friendly 'thank you' text. But we are forgetful so feel free to remind us again.

Now for your 4 questions Elizabeth.
1) This is more like the puck in air hockey. You know how it gets stuck in the middle sometimes and one person has to reach out to hit it, well, that is what this scenario is. Feel free to knock the puck back into play. Sometimes that will help to establish that you do like him since you are right that this is usually a question to gauge the girl's interest.

2) I would just mention that you had a good time and would like to go out again. You don't have to "ask" really. If he knows that you are interested, he will generally be willing to go out again. Ask him out if he seems like he is borderline and you want to make sure you get a date with him if he is that good of a catch. Otherwise, the first part should be enough.

3) This should be a guy's question! I can't tell you how many times girls never return an email or text. I think this answer is dependent on too many variables. Have you written more than once? Have they started thinking you are "too interested"? What you write in the first couple emails may make a difference. Who knows? I'm no help here. I met a girl a year ago at an activity and she gave me her work email. I wrote a couple times with no response. She wrote back a couple weeks ago as she was cleaning out her email since her work was cutting jobs.

4)I refer you back to the air hockey reference in #1. Once both sides know that the other likes them, both sides are allowed to start a conversation. If the girl doesn't want to ask, you can be sure that if you start a conversation with him, he will get around to asking you out.

Oh. That's long! Am I allowed to blog inside your blog?? Did I have the ball too long? I'm sending it back to your court!

Kathy said...

I hate ignored emails! I have no insight into the dating world, but if some guy did that to me, he would be blacklisted FOREVER.

#1 is so tricky! He said he'd like to get together, and you agreed. So doesn't that mean you just told him you would accept if he asked you out? Confusing.

Anonymous said...

I am single and currently recuperating from S.A.D. and I have to say I am completely clueless.

I have been guilty of number 1 usually is of fear of rejection

#2 I need feedback I have to at least feel she is interested in a second date. Dating an LDS girl and non LDS girl is completely different; by the end of the first date with a non-LDS girl I can definitely tell if it was good or bad. LDS girls I often times have no clue, which I then interpret as a bad sign.

#3 If I email them and/or text and I get no response that to me says no interest.

#4 Yes I do take the cue. One date usually doesn’t hurt anyone.

All I know is that usually I drop the ball which comes from sitting on the bench for so long

An admirer from the distance

Natalie said...

Good luck! I hated this part of single life, the proper balance always seemed to be lost on me. Either I was too forward, and ended up feeling like I'd put myself out there too much so that even if they did ask me out, I'd feel like they felt obligated(not a good feeling) or I'd play coy and worry that they wouldn't pick up on my interest. And this was all face to face. Add the complication of email, facebook, texting, and anonymous commentators, and I'd be hopelessly confused.

My mom used to say that if you want someone to ask you out, you look them in the eye and think "if you ask me out, I'll say yes." Apparently, your eyes will do the talking for you. Ha ha! But again, this only works face to face. (if it really works at all=)

The Boob Nazi said...

You can also drop the ball! I like that one the best.

lizziemc said...

I agree w/ anonymous, 1. feeling you out to see if it's reciprocated. 2. There's no winning w/ that one, it's a 50/50 shot. Give him a hint. Men are oblivious after all. 3. see #2 still oblivious, it's a fact admit it, they'll need to be led as a horse to water or maybe a donkey. 4. Don't go through other people communication w/ the male 1/2 of the populous is hard enough. Talk TO him, and hope this one's bright enough.

Anonymous get off your duff, tell her who you are and what you want playing games and guessing will only hurt your pride, and Elizabeth is well worth her weight in gold, maybe diamonds!

lizzie mc said...

BTW, white day (girl's choice Valentines in Japan) is March 15th. The ball's in your court. But good luck getting it to anonymous since he's, well, anonymous. No risk, no reward.

Christi said...

Disclaimer - this probably isn't that insightful or helpful.

When I think of all of my friends over ther years, I can remember each of them (myself included) agonizing over all of the same things you have posted here. I can't even tell you how many days of my life I probably wasted worrying about if he was supposed to make a move, if he knew I was interested, etc.

When I think of those same friends, and think about the men they have married, their dating stories are quite different. When it came to decoding signals and sorting through whether their future husband was interested or not, it was easy. He made if obvious that he was (and they did the same).

I guess the moral of the story is, it shouldn't be that hard. If you are interested, show it. If he's that interested, he'll act. It's like that movie 'He's just not that into you.' Too many girls think they are the exception. They are not the exception!

That being said, I agree that the after date text is essential!

Sarah said...

While publicly I was offended by the movie "He's Just Not That Into You", in truth, I think it hit the nail on the head and definitely influences my opinion on this topic...

Altho, scenario one is confusing...I think he's trying to feel out what the girl's response will be when he finally officially asks her out. In scenario two, the guy should ask that girl out again if he's interested. If he isn't asking her out again, I'd say he isn't interested, or didn't think it went well and is avoiding a rejection. Perhaps the girl needed to make a larger effort to show she was having a good time (IF she was!). :) In scenario three, if a guy likes a girl, I'm sure he'll email her back within a day or two. The girl can always put out one quick email follow-up to see if maybe her message just got lost in the inbox. If no response, he isn't a very reliable communicator and should be taken off a list of potential dates. :) And in scenario four, the girl should tell the friend that that guy is pretty sweet, and encourage the friend to go forth and share that info. Maybe even toss in that if said guy asked out said girl, said girl would say yes. :)

Whew, I feel like I just finished an IQ test! :)

Katherine said...

Don't worry , Robert, that scenario was completely hypothetical!

Elizabeth Downie said...

Thanks for the advice, guys! And Christi, I think (hope) you might be right.

Pollz said...

I don't believe in rules. Why can't people just be direct and honest. That always worked well for me. I think fear keeps people from "making a move." If I were you I wouldn't worry about who's move it is. If you want to spend time with the guy just make plans. I mean I guess there is the fear of coming off too strong, but I think as long as your not a stalker it's fine to always control the ball, so to speak. Then you can be the MVP.

Where to go from HERE said...

First, I have to say I love Psych. I love when Gus jumps on his back and Shawn covers for his not actually knocking him out on purpose.
Second, Who's court it's in;
1)He is looking for a response and if has any confidence should ask, or quote a movie so she laughs and asks herself, I mean lets face it, if somebody can't find that funny, wrong person.
2)She should ask him. I always need her to ask for the second, can't always assume it was as much fun as you thought. Especially when you find yourself funny.
3)You have to at least try emailing two or three times. Come on lets face it, even the best of us at that point can get the hint
4)Well, confusing me worked, Who's baking the cake? Wait, there's no cake (should be cause cake is so good). Always if your interested in somebody ask, the worst that can happen is they say no. Well, they could kick you or something and we all know that could suck. You should really have some cake though

Anonymous said...

Maybe this comes from being the youngest child (who no one was actually babysitting when they were supposed to so no one was ever there to tell me I couldn't do something) but I never did anything I didn't want to and I always made it known when I did. Then I decided I was doing it wrong and I should let the guys have their first move. After all that's what the p. blessing said. But, it lied because if I had said something maybe my Mormon prince charming wouldn't be telling me after two years of marriage to my friend that I was his first choice. Yes, I realize there are so many things wrong with that last sentence. My point is, your point, the ball gets lost and falls out of play. People need to stop dribbling and score some points here. I mean it's basketball. It's a fast moving game!