Thursday, August 28, 2008

Sandwich Bag Downie

Am I the first person to notice that celebrities give their kids some weird names!? Of course, this is something that's been going on for years now but with the recent addition of Zuma Nesta Rock I felt I had to say something. Somebody has to, and since nobody else seems to have noticed this weird celebrity name phenomenon, I guess that somebody is me.

Every time a famous person has a baby the celebrity media goes crazy trying to find out the name of the baby. How crazy will it be this time!? We all wait with baited breath, and when we hear "Apple" (or worse), it confirms to us once again that celebrities are living on another planet and we feel better knowing that yes, they might be much richer and better looking than us, but at least we still have our sanity and common sense.

Part of me wants to be outraged and say, "these kids are going to have to live in the real world some day! Let them have normal names!!" But will they have to live in the real world? Or do they just hang out with other celebrity kids? Maybe Suri and Shiloh can be best friends, and Apple and Bluebell can be room mates in college. Maybe Audio Science and Moxie Crimefighter can get married and have more kids with crazy names.

Here are some of the craziest celebrity names I know of:

Diva Thin Muffin!? Sage Moonblood!? I'm not even going to comment on them. It's just too much. But it did get me thinking! If I were a celebrity, what would I name my child? Well, if it's a boy, Sandwich Bag sounds good for a first name. His middle name would be Pineapple Juice. If I had a girl, I'm thinking Sparkly Banana. And if I have more kids, here are some other names I've been thinking of:

  • Lampshade Turntable
  • Boots McGee
  • Rhinestone Monkeybreath
  • Casserole Grass stain
  • Shop Class
  • Green Pepper
  • Tuberose Glow stick

Wow, it would be hard to choose! I love them all. What about you? I'm curious. What would name your children if you were a celebrity?

(Disclaimer: I was feeling a little slap happy when I wrote this last night.)


alecia said...

we want to, but are not brave/rich/good looking enough, to name our kid:


Isn't that cool?? ahem, or not.

Sarah said...

I feel like these would be AWESOME pet names, but the poor children!! I wonder if they really will call them by those names (Pilot Inspektor!??!), or if they will give them "nicknames" like "Jack" and "Jill." That being said...I would name my hypothetical famous daughter Princess Pearl and my hypothetical famous son Mathematic Genius. :)

Anonymous said...

how about yellow jello, or wait that is already taken! I guess i will have to settle with with Epsilon.
-Brian Egan

Kathy said...

I think I would combine some of my favorite foods. Like: Sushi Pickle. Or I could make it job related. How about, Mention Keytab?

Elizabeth Downie said...

I love all these names so far! Cobra is awesome. You know that no father would let his daughter date someone named Cobra though ;) I love Princess Pearl and Epsilon too.

Kathy, as far as work related names go, what about Roman Text or Arthur IEEE?

Katherine said...

I think I'd like to go with the Famous Artist Name route, for obvious reasons.
My first picks for boys are:
Wassily, Picasso, Schwitters, Gorky, Shusaku, Harmensz van Rijn, Michelangelo, and Parmigiano.

My first picks for girls are:
Magritte, Oonark, Tjapaltjarri, Kokoschka, Annibale, Arcimboldo, and Zhengming.

Or maybe I should go for the more subtle: Abstract Expressionist Downie, or Dada Downie, or De Stijl/Neoplasticism Downie. Maybe Modern American School Downie. Or Biomorphism Downie.

I could go on and on...

And is it just me, or is the name Tjapaltjarri starting to sound appealing?

sterlingandbrandi said...

This reminds me of the friend episode where Phoebe has gotten married and goes to legally change her last name and finds out she can change her whole name so she changes it to Princess Sophia Banana-hammock. Its one of my favorites...

On the serious side though, I read once that celebrities name their kids wierd names as a way to protect them from the public and then use a "real" name that is not released to the public for school etc... Also, my friend Erica is a kindergarten teacher at a private school for gifted children in NYC and has had a few celebrities kids as students. I asked her once if they were really gifted or they just got to go there because their parents were rich and famous. Her reply was that these kids have these crazy amazing experiences because of who their parents are, and who their friends are that kind of makes them unable to relate in a normal school. So yeah, I guess Apple and Zuma only have each other to hang out with...

fanged beauty said...

To be fair, Moon Unit and Diva Thin Muffin Pigeen are the children of Frank Zappa, who would have given his children weird names whether or not he was famous.

Liz said...

You could always go with the weirdest name of all... Elizabeth.