Wednesday, March 4, 2009

Wednesday Thoughts

This Wednesday Thoughts is devoted to questions about dating/guys. I'd love any insights you all have! I figure that with all the hoopla about the Bachelor this week, the timing is right for this.

So, some of my friends and I have been debating this lately. Say you go on a date with a guy and you have a good time. Is it a good idea to text him the next day with something like, "I had a lot of fun last night!"? Or does that seem desperate? Does he already know if he wants to go out with you again, or would that sway him?

Here's another question: a guy friend of mine once told me that guys always know when a girl is interested in them, but if they're not interested in her, they pretend they don't know. Was this friend deluding himself into believing that more girls were interested in him than actually were, or was he right? (See poll on side.)

I've thought about that one a lot and if it's true, then some guys are mean and take advantage of the attention the girl is giving them while pretending they don't know how she feels. But I'll try to give guys the benefit of the doubt here.

Moving on...what do you guys think of girls asking the guy out? Is that a good thing to do? Personally, I don't like doing it. But that may be based more on not having the nerve to do it rather than being against it in principle.

Unfortunately, the etiquette guide I quoted from in my previous post just didn't have all the answers I was looking for, so any insights you guys have would be great!

If you could explain why you voted the way you did, that would be awesome (but not necessary). Feel free to use a fake name if you choose to remain anonymous!


Christi said...

Two of my three brothers insist that they would never ask a girl out on a second date if they don't get the 'after date text' within 24 hours of the end of the date. So take that for what it's worth. It seems desparate to me though, but I still suck it up and do it.
As far as girls asking guys out, I don't like it. Yes it's 2009 and we should all be equal, but I still just think if a guy likes you, he'll ask you out. If he's not asking you out, you're wasting your time.
But hey, I'm 28 and still single, so I'm obviously not the expert!

boys and girls are confusing said...

I think the text might be ok if it's the day after, but if it's later than that they might just think you have been waiting for their call and this is your way of saying, "why have you not called?"

I also had many guy friends tell me that they definitely know when a girl is interested. I'm not sure about this one. I think what they mean to say is that they know when a really outgoing flirty girl likes them, which really isn't hard to spot.

About girls asking guys out - it's a tricky business. It can get too confusing (for boys guy and girl) - who pays, who drives, etc. But I think it could work if it is more casual like biking, hiking, going to a festival or a concert... That way if they are not interested they can at least still have a good time.

Angela Baillio (Fernandez) said...

Bad idea to text him if you are interested. In my opinion if he doesn’t feel that he’s in control he won’t pursue you. A simple one-time-only text after the date to say you like it is safe, but if he’s not able to text or call, you won’t know where he stands. No phone calls from him are just as strong a message as phone calls.

I think guys almost always know when a girl is interested.

I asked Adam out and we went out, but then I dropped him/the issue like a bag of wet hair and he started pursuing me ‘cause he was interested. If he’d never called or went out of his way to talk to me I would’ve known that he wasn’t interested.

I read a book that's controversial among feminists, but it helped me a ton. Called, "Why Men Love ßit©µ€s" I changed the font on purpose. It's not that way on the cover. The title could very well read, "why men love confident women"

Christi said...

"I think the text might be ok if it's the day after, but if it's later than that they might just think you have been waiting for their call and this is your way of saying, "why have you not called?"

I think this is exactly right! Immediately after the date is okay, but if you wait a few days it just seems like you're nagging. Oops, I've done that. :)

Sara said...

I say go with honesty. If you had a great time, tell him. But yeah, I agree the sooner the better.

I think you should definitely ask a guy out, if you think there is something there. Even if it's for a night out with friends, if you're too uncomfortable to ask him out for a date date.

And I voted sometimes, because I think it depends. I definitely don't think guys have girls figured out. But, I think guys can tell if a girl is waaaayyyy into them.

Mostly, my advice would be to have fun dating as much as possible, and look for people that can be your friend first. Ideally you want to be in a relationship with someone that will be your best friend, because you are going to have to weather the storms of life with them, and if you can laugh with them as a way to get through differences and tough times, it's going to make a world of difference.

Katherine said...

I also agree with that, Christi! I'm back and forth with all of these issues. I also think it's cool to ask a guy to do something casual, but I don't feel comfortable asking someone on a formal date, either.
I voted "No" on the poll - I'm sure that (as mentioned in a previous comment) if a girl is really flirty and outgoing, it's fairly easy for the guy to tell she's interested. But what about the Jane Bennets of the world? Charlotte Lucas's advice in Pride and Prejudice came to mind: "[She] should...make the most of every half-hour in which she can command his attention. When she is secure of him, there will be leisure for falling in love as much as she chooses." It seems like if you're interested in a guy, you have to be over the top to make sure he knows it. If you're not, he just can't get enough. ;)
This comment is long and nonsensical. Sorry...

Elizabeth Downie said...

These are great comments ladies - thanks for the insights! Apparently the few guys who read my blog are too big of chickens to say how they feel on the subject! My friend Seth had a good answer last night though. He said, "If a guy is not interested in a girl, he can tell if she likes him. But if he IS interested in a girl, he has no idea." I'd say that's true for most of us and a good insight.

Christi said...

I asked my friend Ryan if guys always know when a girl is into them. His response was, "No, many guys are stupid."

Ben said...

Alright, time for a real man's perspective ;)

If he's crazy enough about you then he's going to ask you out.

If he asks you out again and you say "yes" then he'll know you are at least a bit interested.

If he's a total wuss that never asks anyone out then he'll probably just make a point to hang out around you and your friends a lot to get to know you better and help build up his courage. In which case, you should ask him to go out with you and your friends on group outings.

If he's a casual dater who's "shopping around" he'll probably ask you out on a date, but then maybe not do a second date for a while as to not give you the wrong idea or be labeled as unavailable. These kind of guys are still single as I write this. They are also known as losers because they lost out on a relationship with YOU.

If a girl's way too into a guy, the guy thinks, "Why does this girl like me so much? I'm not that great of a catch, so there must be something wrong with her... she's probably desperate."

Guys ALWAYS know when a girl is interested in them ... except for when they don't know. Girls send out signals to guys that hit them square in the face and then the guy says, "Duhhh...what was that? Who hit me?" Seth has a point, if a guy likes a girl he can't always tell if she's interested (which might be part of the attraction)...but the way to find out is for him to ASK HER OUT! This can be hard for shy guys because they tend to get really nervous and awkward around girls they really like.

When I was shy I would wish the girls I liked would ask me out on group outings, but as I got more confidence I liked having the control of being the one to ask. That way I was protected from the girls I wasn't interested in, and could let girls know I was curious/interested by asking them out.

Whenever there was a girl I wasn't interested in, it was usually blatantly obvious that she was into me, in which case I pretended not to know. Whenever I really liked a girl, it wasn't all that obvious until I dated her more.

TXT message after date? I'd prefer a big smile and conversation in person :) Especially if I were interested.

p.s. You're not one of these girls in my opinion, but some girls act really bitter about guys. Any kind of bitterness is a real turn-off in my opinion.

Polly Anna said...

Being agressive has always worked well for me. I definitly think that it's okay for girls to ask out guys. I'm was a go getter when it came to guys when I was single. I activly looked for boyfriends when I was single and was aggressive about it. It usually worked well for me. When I was shut down it sux, but it was better than wasting my time.

Liz said...

After a date with a guy you wait 8 weeks then you text them 'What's cracking boo'