Maybe to help us get through a boring Tuesday, I'll share some funny quotes from my life again? Now that I've started sharing funny things my friends and family say, they're standing out to me more and more. So expect a few more quote posts in the future! Hopefully these are as funny to you out of context as they were to me in context!
These are (mostly) posted with permission. The picture isn't posted with permission though, so I'll put this disclaimer on it: I found it through a google image search. It's someone elses masterpiece. K, now no one can sue me. Enjoy these quotes:
Male friend: I like your art.
Me: I'm not really an artist.
MF: Well, you draw funny cartoons. You're not an artist in the traditional way. Like, you don't draw nude women or anything.
Me: I've never drawn a nude woman in my life.
MF: I've drawn a few. Doesn't count as pornography if you draw it yourself.
Male friend: I miss the old days when you could
just see a pretty girl, throw her over your shoulder and take her back
to your cave. At least once a week I see a girl that I want to walk up to, tell her
she's ridiculously pretty, and haul her away.
Me: What would you do to her?
MF: Treat her right, tell her
she's pretty every day, kiss her on the mouth, and then marry her. I guess I'd be a gentlemanly cave man.
Now that I think about it, this post should probably have a rating of PG-13. Abreast? Pornography? Kissing on the mouth!? Early onset childhood memory loss!?!? Whew! I hope none of you are too scandalized.
I live in Michigan. I'm a tiny bit older than you thought (fair warning: it's best not to ask). To spare my friends and family from listening to my every thought, I created a blog. It's sort of like a pensieve, only slightly less dramatic than Dumbledore's.
Rose: Last year the Woman of the Year in St. Olaf saved all the books from the library fire! She grabbed two books in one and and one in the other." Dorothy: Your library only has three books? What happens when someone reads them all? Rose: I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it. - The Golden Girls
"A penny!? Worthless! It's the garbage of money!" - Barry, The Goldbergs
Danny: You wanna live in a ninth floor walk-up!? What happens if there's a fire? Mindy: Danny, you know my plan in an emergency is just to count to ten and wait for death's embrace! - The Mindy Project Chris: Leslie, I'm sorry. Anne didn't just go to Ann Arbor to visit her family. She went to sign a lease on our new home. Leslie: Ann Arbor sounds disgusting! Chris: She already has family there, and I have a new job lined up at the University of Michigan. Go Blue! It's a good town, and it's a great place to raise a family. Leslie: What is so great about it!? There's no JJ's Diner there, there's no Welcome to Pawnee sign! I mean, the stupid state is split up into two pieces! It's ridiculous! - Parks and Rec Tom: "Now, I know high-end, internet only magazine isn't really your scene, so Donna and I wrote up some cocktail banter and some conversation snippets for you to practice so you can fit in." Ron: (Reading) "Annabel, could I be more jelz of your low-lights right now, I mean O.M. squee, talk about bangs envy." Donna: "Oof, you got a long way to go, Swanson. Let's go again, from the top." Ron: "I regret everything." - Parks and Rec
"Hello, young man, do you carry Fat Steps Cankle Wranglers? They're for the problematic foot." - Mindy, The Mindy Project
"No one tells you how hard it is to be a parent!" - Frankie "That's because if they did, no one would do it. It's called punishing-it forward." - Mike - The Middle
"He gave us his magic and then he disappeared. Just like Toad the Wet Sprocket." - Gene, Bob's Burgers
"Listen to me. NOBODY on the computer is having as good of a time as you think they are." - Mike, The Middle
"It took me all day, but I got the ten signatures I needed! I'm running for student body president!" - George Michael, Arrested Development
"Life is precious. And if I die, I want my... son... to know the dealio. The dealio of life." - Michael Scott, The Office
"Somebody threw a snow-cone at my windshield today. I thought I hit a rainbow. It was terrifying." - Teddy, Bob's Burgers
"Stop calling me the Prince of Darkness. That's how rumors get started." - Monk
"I'm giving you an all tomato, meaning you give me the whole tomato or else." - Troy, Community Tracy, talking about Weird Al: Don't you understand? He's going to parady you again! That's what he does! That's all he does! You can't stop him! Jenna: Unless I write a song that can't be parodied. Tracy: Impossible. What do think Phil Collins was trying to do with Sussudio!? -30 Rock
"20 year old girls! They think I'm awesome! Look at them! They don't know what Saved By the Bell is and they've never felt pain!!" - Nick, New Girl
"Due to my campaign, the romantic aspect of our relationship is over, and I am totally fine with that. But Ben and I have so much in common! I mean, we're amazing friends! And friendship is better because friends help you move, they drive you to the airport! Boyfriends just.... love you and marry you." - Leslie, Parks and Rec
Claire: You know that really dangerous intersection? Phil: Where desire meets jealousy and the result is murder? Claire: Uhuh. The one where I almost killed you this morning. Phil: Oh yeah, that was my bad. I got lost in my jams! Dangerous combo: speed walking and Speedwagon. Oh! I wasn't even trying for that! - Modern Family
Tobias: As you may or may not know, Lindsay and I have hit a bit of a rough patch. Michael: Really. When did that start? Tobias: Well, I don't want to blame it on 911, but it certainly didn't help. -Arrested Development
"I don't want to talk about it Ken! You'll hear all I have to say about Jack Donaghy in my tell-all book, 'Betrayal, COLON, What Really Happened With My Baseball Team, COMMA, Disaster at Knuckle Beach, QUESTION MARK." - Tracy, 30 Rock
Burt: "You seem real happy to keep pining for her! You pine, pine, pine, but you don't do anything! You just sit there like a log!" Virginia: "A pine log!" Burt: "Which is the worst kind of log! Best log? Yule. Best Yule? Brenner. Best Brenner? David. Best David? That's where it starts to get complicated." - Raising Hope
"Camping sucks! It's super boring. And you can see the stars, which I hate. They're creepy." - April, Parks and Rec
"Andy!! I don't even want to be here! The air is too fresh - it's disgusting. I can't breathe. And there's a brook somewhere that won't stop babbling. SHUT UP!" -April, Parks and Rec
Shawn: "Gus, don't be the ribs that flip over Fred Flintstone's car. I know you're not completely sold on my hit man theory, but I need you to suspend your disbelief and hop onboard the streetcar named Shawnzire." Gus: "Dude, you know how that metaphor makes me uncomfortable." -Psych
"You had me at meat tornado." - Ron Swanson, Parks and Rec
"So dumb guys go for dumb girls, and smart guys go for dumb girls? What do smart girls get?" - Alex "Cats, mostly." - Phil -Modern Family
"The parade was awesome. Angela Lansbury was the grand marshall. Good times, she wrote." - Phil, Modern Family
"What?!? I don't have $30,000 laying around! I have it buried very deeply. And I don't want to have to dig past a certain someone to get it." - Dwight, The Office
"When you're a kid, I remember really loving going to bed. There was one time where I actually laughed myself to sleep, 'cause I couldn't believe me luck. - Karl Pilkington
"And so our employee of the month is the late Roger Dusset, who tragically died from complications due to union organizing." - Mr. Burns, The Simpsons
Ron: "I'm hungry." Leslie: "Ok, don't be such a baby. I cooked you some bacon for a trail snack." Ron: "I ate it already. I could smell it in your purse before I even parked my car. And now it's gone and I hate everything." - Parks and Rec
Shawn: "Lassy, where did you go? We were totally filming your speech!" Gus: "And we need you to sign a release for America's Funniest Home Videos." -Psych
"I've been with NBC for a really long time. A really long time. Remember the Cosby Show? I was Rudy." - Conan O'Brien
"A book hasn't caused me this much trouble since Where's Waldo went to that barber pole factory!" - Tracy, 30 Rock
"Can we go to Banana Republic? I have a crush on a mannequin there." - Millhouse, The Simpsons
"I just stopped by to thank you. You've been really supportive of me during my transformation to hideous man-beast." - Harvey, Sabrina the Teenage Witch
In reference to the date being 9/9/9: "I haven't heard that many nein's since I dated that German woman." - Conan O'Brien "
"Sadly, Teamocil has been discontinued. The sense of wellness it created in relationships was merely the first sign of complete pituitary shutdown." - Tobias Funke, Arrested Development
"I am single now. What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the nard dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win." - Andy Bernard, The Office