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Tuesday, September 21, 2010

The Confidence Question

I know this guy - he is a sweet, nice guy who also happens to be a bit of a nerd. Kind of awkward, kind of unaware; not unlikeable, just awkward enough to be put in the "nerd" category by most girls. But here's the thing about him - he's confident. Really confident. He's said things to me that make me blush upon telling them to my friends. He's not inappropriate, he's just bold.

How does he do it? What makes him so confident? And I gotta say, his confidence makes him more attractive. It even makes him less nerdy.

Guys always say they like girls with confidence, and obviously, girls are attracted to it too. I feel like I'm generally a confident person. But lately... not so much. I've lost my mojo! I think it's just a temporary thing - I mean, this happens now and then. But what if it's not? How do you get your confidence back when you've lost it? Dating guys who are no good for you? ( Does not work in case you're actually considering it.) Posting affirmations on my mirror? (Might work.) Fishing for compliments? (Kidding! I mean, unless you insist.) Listing my positive traits? (I hate that one.)

Last week I was playing games with some friends, and one of the games we played was "Loaded Questions." Instead of following the real rules of the game, we just asked the questions and everyone had to answer. My friend picked a question she thought we'd all enjoy, "What is something people usually compliment you on?" No one wanted to answer it. Everyone gave the most vague answers, like "I'm nice." Please. You know that's not what people compliment you on the most. I was one of those people though - I didn't want to tell the truth because it would seem like bragging to acknowledge that I have good qualities. But I think this is the problem in some cases. We're afraid of acknowledging our good qualities either because we're afraid we will seem vain, or because we're too focused on our perceived or real negative qualities to recognize our good ones.

I think it's ok to focus on the good things about ourselves. This is something I am going to work on and see if it works. How do you keep your confidence up? Affirmations? Natural good looks and charm? Delusions?

11 comments:

~ Malissa ~ said...

First off, you're defintely more than a "nice" category kind of lady!! You're HILARIOUS, fun to be around, epathetic, a genious, brave, CONFIDENT, compassionate...the list just goes on!

I have also been feeling insecure, well maybe not insecure, but not so confident these days. I find out that when I hang out with friends that may not be so confident in thselves, I begin to feel more confident. But that makes me sound prideful and arrogant...I am interested to hear what others have to say about being confident. Since my new church calling, I've lost all confidence - mojo out the window!

Good luck and let me know how your mojo returns!!

Robin said...

That hit the target. People feel better about airing their negative qualities than their positive ones. It is more p.c. to do that. That is actually sensitive and in touch with my "feminine" side. Airing your negative stuff is in touch with your feminine side? That is crap. But that is where we have degenerated to in terms of a society. Standing up and saying good things about ourselves makes other people see us as "too proud" or maybe even "bitchy." When did it become bitchy to say that, "I feel good about myself because I am funny, or sensitive to others, or the person people admire most at work, or get asked out a lot, or the person my friends come to for advice, etc."

My ex-husband's daughter spend the night last Friday. She is in the sixth grade and really having trouble at school (already). I tried talking to her about. I thought that maybe it was a confidence thing (new school and all). So, before it was all said and done, I tried to get her to say that she felt good about herself and that she was smart and that she was capable of being successful in school. She couldn't do it. She looked away and could not say the words, "I am smart." This is where we are as a society. I wanted to cry.

lizzie mc.- said...

SO TRUE! Be Positive. Thanks what Pres. Hinkley said. I was thinking about the answer before I read the remainder... great minds think alike. So what it may be misunderstood, but I remember the day I was in the restroom looking in the mirror (I was in 1st grade at the time.) I was thinking, "I'm cute." Then a lovely and popular 5th grader said, "I'm fat." That was it, I repeated it and never felt the same about myself again. So verbalizing the positive, and ignoring the negative as much as we can't do anything about it.

Faith is the other 1/2. Ok, we suck, we know it, but really we don't. We are the most important people in the eyes of He who is most important. We're his children. We don't focus on our kids shortcomings, even though we help them. So read what He says about you.

I'll try to do the same. After all. Considering that this life is actually quite short, we learn an amazing amount of things and become much better people despite the opposition.

Katherine said...

Good comments so far! I agree with what Lizzie said about thinking more about what He says than what we or others say. For me, when I'm struggling, I, well, pray first, read the scriptures, then think about all of my positive traits and accomplishments. Often, the more I think about it, the more positive traits I realize I have. Affirmations may seem cheesy, but they work!!

A mantra is really helpful, too. It could be something like, "I'm smart, funny and kind" (think Aibileen's words to the little girl in "The Help"), or "I'm NOT fat!," or "My clothes/car/hair/looks don't define who I am!" or even, "I can-arod, I will-arod, I win-arod, Iditarod!" ;) I think we have to reaffirm ourselves more than we might think we do.

Also, I think it's OK to maybe think of one small thing we want to improve. If I'm feeling really down, I'll think of something I want to improve or change about myself, or learn, and do it! Even practicing a musical instrument or taking a class or doing that extra workout or something can help. Then you have that to add to your accomplishments! You have to be careful not to obsess about it, but working on it and setting achievable goals is a great feeling.

P.S. I agree with Malissa's compliments! You have too many great qualities to list, but kind, thoughtful, giving, caring, hilarious, intelligent, spiritual, talented, and witty are a few!! :)

Katherine said...

Good comments so far! I agree with what Lizzie said about thinking more about what He says than what we or others say. For me, when I'm struggling, I, well, pray first, read the scriptures, then think about all of my positive traits and accomplishments. Often, the more I think about it, the more positive traits I realize I have. Affirmations may seem cheesy, but they work!!

A mantra is really helpful, too. It could be something like, "I'm smart, funny and kind" (think Aibileen's words to the little girl in "The Help"), or "I'm NOT fat!," or "My clothes/car/hair/looks don't define who I am!" or even, "I can-arod, I will-arod, I win-arod, Iditarod!" ;) I think we have to reaffirm ourselves more than we might think we do.

Also, I think it's OK to maybe think of one small thing we want to improve. If I'm feeling really down, I'll think of something I want to improve or change about myself, or learn, and do it! Even practicing a musical instrument or taking a class or doing that extra workout or something can help. Then you have that to add to your accomplishments! You have to be careful not to obsess about it, but working on it and setting achievable goals is a great feeling.

P.S. I agree with Malissa's compliments! You have too many great qualities to list, but kind, thoughtful, giving, caring, hilarious, intelligent, spiritual, talented, and witty are a few!! :)

Katherine said...

Um, I have no idea how I managed to post that comment twice, but I'm adding that to my list of accomplishments today! Woohoo!! ;) JK. You can delete one if you want. Then add that to YOUR list of accomplishments...??

Amy said...

We had a relief society activity in my ward last week, and at the beginning we were given one of those "find someone in the room who..." scavenger hunts. One of the questions was "Find someone in the room who can say something nice about someone else and have them say it," and right below that was "Find someone in the room who can say something nice about themselves and have them say it."

One of the very first women I talked to asked me if I could say something nice about myself, and mentally, I froze! I think it was because I was afraid that a) it would sound cocky or self-centered, but also b) it would not be true. "I'm a good listener," I thought (for example), and then immediately thought of all the times I didn't listen very well to someone. I finally settled on "I think I'm a good teacher," but suddenly felt self-conscious about having said that because I'm not a perfect teacher, and I'm not the best teacher.

But I don't have to be perfect, or the best to recognize a good quality in ourselves! My own reaction to that question really made me think, as did your blog post.

Erin said...

http://www.amazon.com/Stuff-Every-Woman-Should-Know/dp/1594744440/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1285122225&sr=8-1

Best book ever... Sophia and I found it and I am not ashamed to say I totally bought it!! It has a chapter on confidence... how to show it even if you don't feel it. It is great!

Kate Weber said...

Thanks! I needed this today. I haven't been feeling very confident, or like I have many good qualities. But like you said, we all do, we just don't want to show it because we don't want to seem vain. So I'm going to show it. I'm a wonderful person.

I don't know if just making up my mind will give me more confidence, but it's worth a shot, right?

sterlingandbrandi said...

I had to think awhile about what I get complimented on the most, because it usually depends on what I'm fishing for. Is it, "Hey Sweetheart, do I look okay to go out tonight?" Or, "Hey, isn't this craft I made so super awesome?" So it really depends :)

I actually read a pretty good little article in Shape this morning (I know! I read the workout magazine because I think I'm too fat! Shame on me.) about why we accept negativity about ourselves before compliments. It said we have core beliefs that we have about ourselves and then filter everything through that. And then start working on believing positive things about ourselves.

TheSinglesWard said...

Cocky/Funny: It works. You just have to roll with it.

See Textual Relations post. In the meantime, we're working on parts 2 and 3.