Friday, January 3, 2014


For the last few years, I have written fortunes to put in felt fortune cookies for New Year's Eve. The tradition
is that at midnight, everyone reads their fortunes out loud.

It's fun and silly and I force people to do it whether they want to or not. (I can't help being bossy, I'm an oldest child.)

Here are the fortunes for this year!

In 2014, you will be in the background of a very scandalous picture of Prince Harry.
In 2014, a black cat will cross your path, causing you to drop and break a mirror while walking under a ladder. This will lead to the best 7 years of your life to date.
In 2014, you will swallow a goldfish on a dare.
In 2014, you will make awkward eye contact with every dog you meet.
In 2014, you will eat a total of 1,000 cookies.
In 2014, you will try something experimental with your hair. (Don’t worry, it will grow back.)
In 2014, you will see a UFO. You will only get probed a little bit. You will tell no one.
In 2014, you will be asked to sing a solo in church. You will fake sick that day.
In 2014, you will win free tickets to a One Direction concert. You will secretly go and love every minute of it.
In 2014, you will hate a book that all your friends love. This will make you question many friendships.
In 2014, you will get your tattoo of the Tasmanian Devil removed. You will keep the tattoo of Tweetie Bird.
In 2014, you will see a ghost in the mirror. After trying to convince all your friends that you really did see a ghost, you will discover a ghost-shaped smudge on your glasses.
In 2014, you will grow a thick, luscious beard.
In 2014, you will write notebook after notebook of Saved By the Bell fan-fiction.
In 2014, you will get in a twitter fight with Kanye West.
In 2014, you will tell your friend you think their baby is cute. But you will not mean it.
In 2014, you will lie about being a vegetarian in order to get out of eating a hamburger helper casserole.
In 2014, you will sit next to Dennis Rodman on a flight to North Korea.
In 2014, you will win $20,000 playing Plinko on The Price is Right.
In 2014, while hiking through the desert, you will be chased by a chupacabra.
In 2014, every time a Facebook friend writes a public love note to their significant other, you will write “gag” in the comment section. All will laud you as their hero.
In 2014, you will enter a recipe contest. Your recipe will be so shockingly bad, you’ll be arrested and put in jail.
In 2014, after telling a little white lie, your nose will noticeably grow.
In 2014, you’ll take a bite of fish at a restaurant and find a ring inside. The chef is proposing to you. He peeks out the kitchen door to see your response. You’ve never met.
In 2014, you will find out you’ve been on several episodes of Honey Boo Boo. To make matters worse, they use subtitles when you speak.
In 2014 you’ll get tangled in a bead curtain. You will have to be cut out by firemen.
In 2014, you will forget to vote in a local election and that punk teenager next door will be elected mayor. His first order of business will be to remove all noise ordinances.


Wee Sisters Three said...

Hahahha. I don't know how you come up with these but they are totes brill. (j/k on the Katherine talk). They are wonderful though.

Cheeky Candid Contemplations said...

I love these fortunes and wish I had been lucky enough to actually get one.

Liz said...

How did you know that I have been lying about being a vegetarian for 13 years just so I could get out of eating hamburger helper? You're psychic.
Those are all seriously awesome.

Katherine said...

I hope that many of these come true in my life this year, especially the Saved By the Bell fan fic!! And the awkward eye contact with dogs. I am certain the cookie one will come true, as well as the chupacabra one. I think the one I got on NYE was the Dennis Rodman one. I hope that one DOESN'T come true...!!! ;) I still think you should write horoscopes!! Also, I don't know how I feel about Heedj calling "totes brill" "Katherine talk." I mean, it sort of is, but still..