Monday, December 2, 2013

Christmas Song Oh-No-No's

Now that we're officially in the Christmas season, I've been listening to more Christmas music while I'm in the car. I tend to like most Christmas music, but there are about a handful of Christmas songs I would put on my "oh-no-no" list, a la Tom Haverford.

Here's the working list so far:

1. Anything by Trans Siberian Orchestra (edited)

Their music sounds like the soundtrack to Krampus, the anti-Santa who punishes bad children at Christmas. It's the warning music when a Christmas monster is coming and you're running and running but he's gaining on you!!!!

2. Santa Baby

How is anyone comfortable with this song? It's just twisted. It makes me uncomfortable. Don't talk to Santa like that. It's not appropriate. Unless you're Mrs. Claus. (Which I don't think you are.)

3. I want a hippopotamus for Christmas

That voice. That voice!! For years this was my nephew's favorite Christmas song. For that reason alone, I try to cut it some slack. But if it wasn't for that, it would at the top of my oh-no-no list.

4. Feliz Navidad 

Try, just try to get this song out of your head after hearing even just a verse of it. It's not going to happen.

5. I saw mommy kissing Santa Claus

This is similar to #2. It's just weird. The kid is freaking out because his mom is cheating on his dad with Santa Claus. This is going to lead to a difficult conversation the next day no matter how you look at it.

6. Grandma got run over by a reindeer

Ok, first of all, the whole premise of this song is weird. This guy's grandma was drunk and she was killed by Santa's reindeer who ran her over. But basically Christmas for their family just went on as usual. I feel like they didn't care much about their grandma. And grandpa just totally moved on. This song is about a truly heartless family. And I feel like they might be alcoholics.

Side note: I always forget that reindeer are real. Santa's not though... right?

7. Christmas shoes

This song is about a kid who wants to buy his mom some shoes for Christmas because she's probably going to die really really soon and "he wants her to look beautiful in case she meets Jesus tonight." The kid can't afford the shoes so the lead singer of the band (who happens to be buying some gloves behind him in line at the store) spots him the cash. If you think you like this song, please go watch the official music video of it then get back to me. It's so bad it hurts.

I know what you're thinking at this point - how did the Chipmunks Christmas Song not make this list? Um, because it's an amazing song, and I better not hear you besmirch the Chipmunks' name again. That song is a national treasure.

What is the Christmas song you just can't listen to?


Jesse Davis said...

Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney is a crime against humanity for wis which he should be given forty lashes.

Mark said...

Elizabeth, when you realize that your perfect match IS Santa Claus, #2 won't sound so bad. It will fill you with hope.

"Elizabeth Claus"
"Elizabeth Claus"
"Elizabeth Claus"

Practice writing that on the inside cover of your trapper-keeper, it will grow on you. I bet your grandmother will agree with me. Or have a conversation with you about realistic expectations.

Liz said...

I agree with all of the songs you listed.
The Christmas music I always listen to is anything from the albums "We wish you a Metal Xmas" and "Monster Ballads: Xmas" I highly recommend these two albums.

violet50 said...

I agree, especially the hippo song - loathe completely! And it was the favorite song of a former co-worker so she always pointed it out when it came on. Bing Crosby and Johnny Mathis, Josh Grobin, and Andy Williams are some of my favorite Christmas singers.

Melissa said...

I ditto you on the Christmas Shoes song.... I loathe that one!

elliespen said...

Christmas Shoes is truly a terrible song, although it doesn't bother me as much as Happy Xmas (War is Over) by John Lennon, Wonderful Christmastime by Paul McCartney (how did two of the worst Christmas music crimes of all time come from former Beatles?), or Do They Know it's Christmas?

I just wanted a point of clarification on #1, though: do you mean Trans-Siberian Orchestra? Mannheim Steamroller strikes me as more crazy-upbeat-weird than scary. Trans-Siberian Orchestra, on the other hand, is what my husband describes as "Christmas is here, and it's TERRIFYING." Just wondering.

Elizabeth Downie said...

You are so right! I always mix those two up! Thanks for pointing that out - I fixed it.

Brooke Romney said...

Christmas shoes and Santa Baby for sure. There is a new R and B one that they play every other minute in Utah that is pretty bad too.

Katherine said...

I agree with your list completely!! And I'll be honest, I tend to not enjoy country music covers of classic Christmas songs... There are exceptions, but not many.