Tuesday, February 14, 2012

The Hardest Thing About Being Single

Being single isn't the worst thing in the world. I know Valentine's Day is hard for a lot of my single friends, but let's face it, we don't have it that bad! I mean, today we can do lots of awesome things!! Like:

* not resent your significant other for not doing anything special for Valentine's Day
* not have to spend a lot of money on a present for anyone
* use your loneliness as an excuse to eat chocolate all day
* wonder why you're alone
* reminisce about past relationships and think about what you could have done differently
* drive by your ex's house and wonder who's car that is in the driveway
* look in their window just to check
* go home and eat a gallon of ice cream

I kid, I kid. I actually like Valentine's Day a lot. I already had a piece of (sugar free) chocolate for breakfast to celebrate. Being single isn't the worst. Of course I would rather be in a happy relationship than single, but I try to make the best of my situation instead of wallowing. There is one area though, where I really wish I was married. I think you know what I'm talking about: ghost protection.

It goes without saying that for the most part, I don't think about ghosts. I mean, I am an adult, for crying out loud. I shouldn't be afraid of the dark. And I'm not except for when I see a scary movie, which is what happened this past weekend. I saw the new horror movie "The Woman in Black" starring Harry Potter. Sadly, Hermione and Ron weren't in it, and Harry didn't cast any spells. Pretty sure his name was Arthur in this movie too. Very confusing.

Anyway, Harry Potter went to work in this haunted old mansion for reasons unclear, and every time he turned around this terrifying "woman in black" was creeping around messing with his head and committing unspeakable crimes in town. And one thing she loves is showing up when you least expect her. You think there's nothing in the room with you? Did you check that dark corner? Cause she's there! Oh, you think you're going to quietly read? Nope - the WIB (Woman in Black) is coming down the hallway! Peacefully looking out the window? SO IS SHE. RIGHT NEXT TO YOU.

I didn't feel too scared after the movie, just sort of creeped out. But that night at 2:00am when I woke up  to go to the bathroom, that's when I remembered the WIB and that's when I knew she was waiting for me in the hallway. In fact, I was almost certain she was. Unwilling to face her, I somehow willed myself back to sleep which you know isn't easy when you've gotta go. But at 5:00am, I woke up again for the aforementioned reason. And at this point, the situation was more urgent than ever. So, I turned on every light imaginable along the way and faced my fears like a grown up.
It's at times like this, I wish I were married. I really don't like facing ghosts in the hallway in the middle of the night alone. It's the worst part of being single. Everyone knows a ghost is less likely to attack if someone else is in the room with you. It's practically a scientific fact.

If I'm not married by the time I'm 40, I'm getting a toilet installed in my bedroom. Just for emergencies, not for normal use. (I mean, I'm not gross.) It's only for nights when I wake up in the middle of the night and don't want to face the ghosts in the hallway. In fact, just to make sure it's clear, I'll put a sign above that says, "For Ghost Avoidance Only." If that's not taking care of my problems like an adult, I don't know what is.

Happy Valentine's Day.


lizzie mc.- said...

Wishing my dearest mission companion and funniest friend a VERY Happy Valentine's day... and ghost free nights.

violet50 said...

Solution: STOP WATCHING SCARY MOVIES! And don't tell ME about them either. There's a reason I don't watch them. Also, live in apartment or house with a master suite with the bathroom right off the sleeping area. No hallway. Problem solved.

Katherine said...

I think Mom may have a few good points there... Also, this post is hilarious!!! Harry Potter... Good stuff. I agree, though-ghosts in the hallway ARE the worst part about being single! Well, that and ghosts in the basement.

Trevor and April said...

I appreciate the synopsis of WIB, now I for sure won't see it.
I would have gone with robbers over ghosts, but your argument is very convincing that I am going to have to agree with you.
Also I think a toilet in the bedroom is a brilliant idea, emergencies aside.

D said...

I've seen a fold out toilet that was contained in a cabinet. It was against the wall in a hospital and is attached to normal plumbing facilities. Though really the master suite is better for ghost protection than the hubby. He wouldn't appreciate being woken at 2am. :)

Elizabeth Downie said...

Oooh, a master bathroom is a brilliant idea! Much less grody that having a toilet right in the bedroom.

And D, the husband doesn't have to be awake to protect you! Just present so he can wake up if you're attacked!

Anne Elliot said...

I am totally with you on the protection from ghosts - I am so grateful I have a master bath. When you do get a master bath, just make sure to keep the shower curtain open - just in case someone decides to hide in the tub.

Anonymous said...

Thanks for the great post on Vday! Just thinking that another good thing singles have going for them can be less chance of getting V diseases. Just saying. ;)

Not sure where that thought came from. Maybe just from "V" day!

Anyway, onto my real reason for writing. My husband does not want to be woken up due to my "worries/fears" Seriously, if I hear a bump in the night, or a ghost or whatever, he will groan and tell me to go see what it is. So, this is not a good reason to get married. One time I was able to convince him to grab the gun and go out and shoot some critter from the porch. Otherwise, I have to go 'investigate'. Believe me! He is a much better shot. The only time I actually shot at a predator - I missed, and the sound of the shot had my ears ringing for the rest of the night.

Don't get me wrong! My husband is not a wimp. He is very manly, but he doesn't want to be woken from his slumber.

So, another thing he would add to the benefits of being single: you get that bed all to yourself - no one is tossing and turning or snoring. Singles probably sleep much better!!!

Maybe you could sign up for a ghost to protect you. They might be a better nighttime protector anyway.

Happy Valentine's Day!
Elisabeth Bailey

MrDrFirrups said...

Solid work Edownie. Loved it, in fact. Definitely cheered up my lonely soul on this the day of St. Valentine. Alas, while reading about where best to put your ghost-proof toilet, a very singular question came to mind: What if your husband IS the ghost?! O_0

Double team ghost beat down = Worst. Situation. Ever.

Maxabillion J said...

I'll just give my standard answer here:

Remember kids, ghosts is spooky, but they don't bite.

Ru said...

I've totally had the same thought.

SAC said...

In my opinion, watching scary movies is totally appropriate for Valentine's Day, since I feel much more glee and positive feelings during Halloween, the traditional "scary" time of year, than the supposed holiday of love. In fact, I remember few V-day's that were positive, and due to recent years events, I do feel a passion of sorts. Though more specifically the passion is more akin to bone consuming bitterness and world burning rage and contempt for all things that "pretend" to care about me. You talk about protection from ghosts? Hire me, one encounter with me on Valentine's Day will not only scare off any ghost forever, but it'll tell its friends too. The only rub is that you would likely be sent into paroxyms of primaml fear yourself....

NOURNME said...

one of your funniest posts, I liked it.

Caitlin said...

A toilet in your room? Master bathroom? Have you all forgotten how dangerous the whole under-the-bed area can be? I have a big, tough Marine AND a master bathroom and I still risk kidney failure and bladder rupture because I'm well aware Mischa Barton's crouching under my bed with a videotape of her mother poisoning her. No thank you.

Elizabeth Downie said...

VERY valid point, Caitlin. I have often thought of that very scene on midnight bathroom runs. I've even looked under my bed from time to time.

I'm thinking our only options at this point are bed pans or adult diapers.

Ghosts ruin everything!

Jess said...

My bathroom 'ghost' was Michael Jackson in his Thriller costume in the hallway with dancing alligators. The thought of it still scares me even though he has moved on to a better place.

)en said...

Why have home catheters not been approved?? C'mon, FDA.

3 cheers for this. :D

Liz said...

This post was scary. The most scary part was when you mentioned sugar free chocolate. Ahhhhhh! What kind of demented soul created such a thing.
Also, two words... bed pan. Nuff said.