Thanksgiving Conversation Guide

For many people, spending time with family for the holidays is stressful. Getting everyone together can be an emotional time bomb that usually explodes all over the pumpkin pie. Luckily, I have a great time with my family and generally don't want to stomp on any of their toes in a fit of rage, but I know not all of you feel the same way about your own families during the holidays. So I thought I'd help out today by making a conversation guide to help you get out of sticky conversations.

If you follow this guide, you just might be able to get through Thanksgiving without binge-eating a second turkey. Results not guaranteed.

Unwanted question: So, are you dating anyone?
Response: You know who I would love to date? Ryan Gosling - the guy has it all! Is he married?

Unwanted question: Are you pregnant?
Response: Yes, it's triplets. I'm kidding, I just gained weight. I was hoping someone would notice.

Unwanted question: I heard you got arrested this year!
Response: The good news is I'm not allowed to leave the state for the next year. It's a great opportunity to explore this beautiful place! Ever been to the U.P.?

Unwanted question: I know a wonderful single man I want to set you up with.
Response: I'm legally not allowed to be set up. It's part of my probation.

And if you want to completely avoid letting them ask you a personal question, you can control the conversation yourself. Here are some great talking points that are sure to get people thinking about things other than your personal life (warning, some of these will make you sound like a lunatic but the upside is you won't have to answer personal questions):

I heard poisonous snakes are moving their way north from Florida because of global warming. We probably don't need to worry about it for a few more years though. I hope.

So, universal health care? More like communist China, am I right? (this one should buy you a lot of time to sit back and enjoy your mashed potatoes.)

I wonder what the baby of a dog and a fish would look like. 

Would you rather have ten fingers on each hand or have three elbows on each arm?

Sarah Palin. 

I only eat pumpkin pie made from pumpkins that died of natural causes. How about you? Are you ok with eating murdered pumpkins?

 Did you know this house is rumored to be built on an Indian burial ground? Anyone ever seen anything spooky here?

I heard there's an escaped convict nearby so I should probably head home before dark.

Before anyone in my family reads these and gets offended, I want to reiterate, I won't be needing any of these. But I am here for you guys and want to help in any way I can to make your holidays more joyous and less stressful. So if you are anxious about all that family time, print these talking points off and let them be your guide to a stress-free holiday.

Also, I wasn't kidding about the snakes migrating north because of global warming. It's messed up.