Sunday, January 17, 2010

A big question

I have a question for you, my blogging friends. Should a woman ask a man on a date? I've always been kind of against this because I have a theory that men think they like it but they actually don't. I feel like if a guy is interested in you, he will ask you out. But is that always true?

What do you think? Is it a bad idea to ask a guy on a date?

To my guy friends who read my blog, I would especially like your advice. But girls, I'd love to hear your opinions or experiences as well!


Jess said...

This is a subject about which I have had many conversations as of late. Ideally, in our post-feminist society, (so dubbed by me, people can argue the validity of the term) it seems that women should be able to ask a man on a date, but as all theory must be applied, the application might not bring about the desired results.

I think key to this question is the person asking and the person being asked. The person being asked can construe being asked out by a girl as refreshing, a sign of confidence and strength on the part of the girl. However, they may also construe it as being awkward, threatening or just down right creepy.

Brady said...

It really depends on what you want to get out of the date, and how you approach it. It must be taken with caution.

Natalie said...

I asked my husband what he thought. He said he liked it if he had asked the girl out first, then she asked him out some other time. Girls who asked him out first were always girls he hadn't asked out in the first place for a reason: he wasn't interested.

I've done it before, and I usually regretted it.

Anonymous said...

I vote guys should ask. All other guys I dated, I had to do at least some of the chasing (which I hated). With Don, he just loved me! And still does. I think that's how it should always be!

Mark Bowman said...

It's a bad idea to ask a guy on a date if:

- Either of you is an axe murderer.
- He's dating your daughter.
- He looks you in the eye and says your sister's name.
- His parents already have kid's names picked out.
- You used to beat him up in school.
- He has a dog named after his ex.

If a guy hasn't asked you out, he's either not interested, or thinks you will turn him down. You find out by talking to him, not just dropping hints. Not doing anything is a pretty good guarrantee that this weekend will be just like last weekend.

Anonymous said...

Is the answer to this question the same or will it be the same in the future?
I think one must consider their age and status in life as well. For the younger ladies - abiding by the advice of Natlie's husband may be advisable. However, after 25, after 30, after 35, I think the rules go out the window! By 30, you are are now open to a whole new market of dates - often they might be long time single guys who are sick of the games, sick of the asking and looking for this weekend to be different than last. :)
Or, you could find yourself being in the market for....
the divorced man or the widower. These guys might be a big gunshy and frankly, scared to make the first move on a single gal. They might feel like they have too much baggage to weigh your single fun self with. Why burden you they ask - so they don't ask!

Bottom line - if you want to go out - either flirt (to convert him to you) and make it known that he should ask you out - or ask him out. But don't ask him out twice in a row.

My #1 advice is... for obvious reasons! It works!


Mary Burnette said...

In my opinion, your beauty scares some guys off! They don't think they are worthy of you......they might be right!

Robert said...

I have to agree with Mark Bowman above about the two options. I'd say making conversation with a guy is better than asking him out. If it's clear that the girl wants to talk and isn't just being nice, guys will ask the girls out, if they are interested.

Anonymous said...

The movie "He's just not that into you" although over the top - really is true... if interested, he'll do something about it... and even if he is interested and isn't doing something about it... means there will be other things you'll have to do to keep the relationship going if you ask him out first. Do you really want that kind of relationship anyway?

Anonymous said...

Okay, I'm finally ready to give my two cents.

I agree with two things in the comments above. The first is that there are exceptions to the "don't ask" rule, particularly with guys who are older and discouraged with the dating process and probably a bit gun-shy. While I do believe in most cases that if a guy hasn't asked you out, he's not interested (as long as you haven't overtly acted in such a way as to make him believe you are uninterested), there are some guys for whom this is not the case. There are some who would be relieved to have a girl who's already been on his mind to show her interest by making a concrete move, like asking him on a date. It opens the way for him to show the interest he had but was not willing to show for whatever reason.

However, I also agree with the last comment. Even in those cases, you are likely going to have to put in more effort than you might want to in order to keep the relationship going. I really believe, based on both experience and observation, that for a relationship to work well, the guy needs to make the decision that he wants to pursue the girl. And then he needs to do it, with confidence. When you ask a guy out, even if he likes it, even if he needed it to gain confidence, he has not made the decision to pursue. He has just made the decision to go along with it.

The decision to pursue is a one time decision - once it's made, it's made. It doesn't mean it will work out, but it does mean a sense of commitment to trying. Bumps along the way can be more easily worked through. The decision to go along with it, however, is a decision that needs to be made again for every interaction, every date thereafter. Each bump along the way will jar the decision a little more. It's going to be harder to build a relationship that way because you will always be trying to influence his decision and to keep it going.

The times I've heard of it working out when a girl initiates (and I can think of at least two examples in the time you've been in the Hill Street ward) are when the guy is already a confident dater, and the girl's initiation simply makes him see someone he hadn't really noticed in that light before. It's not completely hopeless - it just has to be the right guy, and you have to be the right girl, and it has to be the right kind of date, and the right timing, and in the right circumstances. Which really, if you think about it, is the case for all dating situations...

Ben said...

Don't ask him out with words. Learn to flirt well and it won't be an issue. (watch VH1's "Tough Love" for tips) If a guy really wants to ask you out he'll get to know you by hanging out with you and when he gets up the courage he'll ask you out.

If he's not into you and you ask him out then you're in an awkward situation, if he DOES like you then you've just become the dominant one in the relationship... oops.

One of my most shy friends met his wife when she invited him accross the hall to play cards with her and a couple friends. She didn't ask him on a date, but she did give him a hint and create an opportunity that wasn't a date situation.

Anonymous said...

There are no rules to the possibility of Love. Ask and ye shall receive. Nothing to lose and everything to gain. Just pick the right occasion… a game, a walk, a hike, a bike ride. If he says no is his lost; a tremendous lost

Vaughn said...

my two closest girlfriends were girls who originally asked me out now that I think about it, I would say yes, but I am honest and straight forward. I also have no problem saying, neither one of us are having a good time, lets not waste the rest of our evening together not liking each other. Go for it and what will you lose? They say no? Dont go for it and you and they will never know, which I know i will regret.
I guess ultimately what it comes down to is what kind of a guy he is, figure him out and then snag him.

Anonymous said...

I think you need to track down the last two anonymous commenters and ask them out. They might be one and the same - or they might be two different guys. Either way, I agree and think the comments were well written, thoughtful and if written by a single man/men, then some awesome lady - like yourself needs to ask him / them out FAST!
Good luck!

Anonymous said...

I agree; she should ask me on a date :) although we might have an issue with distance. I might have to visit Michigan and ask her.

Elizabeth Downie said...

Hmmm...who's anonymous?

Anonymous said...

There you go Elisabeth. What is distance really? Worked for me! Now you just gotta figure out who that "Anonymous" person is. I know I post anonymously too, but that isn't me. This is so cool - like a mystery - maybe Magnum PI will help you figure it out!