I recently heard a really interesting program about deception on Radiolab. In this program, they interviewed a man who’s an expert on lying. He has done studies on how we lie – the way our face twitches when we’re lying, the direction we look, that kind of thing. He’s made a career out of it.At one point in the interview, he said that he’s made a lifelong commitment to never tell a lie. He defines lying as deceiving someone without informing them (therefore acting isn't lying because the audience has been informed, for example).
Using that guideline, he feels he can tell his wife that he loves her new dress even if doesn’t. He says that because she expects him to always tell her she looks great no matter what, she knows she is at least sometimes being deceived (she has been informed). I feel like that’s a loop hole but in this case, I’ll allow it.
I feel like I’m an honest person. I do my best to always tell the truth. But in some cases, it’s not the easiest thing. Like in social settings. In fact, the lying expert from Radiolab gave an example of how he was put to the test in this area. Someone invited him over for dinner and he did not want to go. This person had invited him over before and he had had an awful time. Not wanting to repeat this, he had to figure out how to get out of going again without lying. Finally he decided to stick to his honesty goal and he told the person that he was sorry, but he wasn’t interested in pursuing their friendship.
Whoa.
He said he felt like he could do anything after this - he felt empowered. I don’t know. I mean, I respect him and all. Actually, I’m in awe of him. But is that really the best idea? Maybe it is. I find it hard though. Who (besides this guy) really has the nerve to say, “I’m not busy that night, I just don’t want to hang out with you.”? That just seems mean. I mean, we're trying to have a society here.
This also applies in dating situations. Isn’t it easier when breaking things off just to say, “There’s just no chemistry” rather than, “You bore me to tears”? Or "We just don't have anything in common - we're different people" rather than, "Here's a list of the things I don't like about you"?
Plus, telling them all the things that annoy you really just makes it easier for them to tell you the things they don’t like about you. Who wants to hear that?
But would our lives be less complicated if we were more honest in these departments? Or would we all just have hurt feelings all the time? How honest are you? When do you think it’s ok to lie?
I'll end with a quote from the Office: "Daryl Philbin is the most complicated man that I have ever met. I mean, who says exactly what they're thinking? What kind of game is that?" - Kelly Kapoor
